“Chapter One: I Am Born.” – David Copperfield
(They had me cobble together their wedding announcement)
And at first dew on the last day of 2012 the internet trumpeted to the world, “a child will be born.” America’s prince and princess of the West Coast, Kanye and Kim, are having a baby. Louis V onesies, a blue checkmark next to his/her Twitter handle, adulation, Gucci bibs, Cinnabon lunches with Uncle Lamar, unnecessary blogger hate, E! appearances, trips to Disney World with Blue Ivy, Bruce Jenner piggyback rides, Scott Disick life lessons, and Gam Gam Kris all await the future Kimye offspring. And if that wasn’t enough, to heighten the anticipation Kanye and Kim are expecting at the same time as Great Britain’s royal family.
But before all of family hilarity ensues the newborn will be named, and nothing is more fun right now than predicting the name. An open social calender and defunct dating life have allowed me to put some thought into this.
After watching Kanye conduct himself in the public eye and seeing Kim’s video where, to put it delicately, she is rather submissive I’m skewing the odds of the name to have more of a Kanye influence than Kim.
Explanation: Kanye considers himself a renaissance man in addition to having a large ego, and what better way to show that off than by naming your daughter after the most recognizable and highest insured painting in the world. If West is the last name it kind of has a nice ring to it to doesn’t it? Mona Lisa West. The trouble here is twofold though, first the name doesn’t begin with a K like all of the Kardashian women, and second Mona Lisa herself is known more for being androgynous than being a knockout.
Explanation: Kanye likes to zig when we think he’ll zag and the way to accomplish that is to give the baby a family name and not something completely unique. Kanye also has the K going for it and could double as a female name if they wanted to get creative.
Explanantion: Kanye’s late mother’s name. If you need any further explanation then you’ve probably wandered onto the wrong webpage. Feel free to hit the back button.
Explanation: Kim’s late father’s name. You might remember Robert as the guy who read O.J.’s suicide letter to the press.
Parisian Influenced (Long shots)
Explanation: Yeezy is an enormous fan of fashion, Europe, and all things high brow. It satisfies all of those, while also avoiding the obvious Paris Hilton comparisons. The name also doubles as a reference to one of Kanye’s greatest songs.
Explanation: Again we satisfy the K requirement and what is more pompous than to name your son after the former French king who was called the Sun King, believed in the divine rights of kings, and built a house that is still more ostentatious than Russell Simmons’. Versailles could also be in play here as a name.
City of Conception Names
Rome, Venice, Florence, New York (Male or Female)
Explanation: In October Kanye took Kimmy on a lavish spending spree throughout Italy. So any of the above cities are in play. This is also a popular celebrity naming tactic.
Explanation: It’s original? Nothing says I love my child more than giving them your tabloid name.
Off The Board
Reggie, Ray J, Kris (Kim’s ex lovers)
Amber Rose (Kanye’s ex)
OJ & AC (Nobody wants to be called OJ and we still don’t know who AC is god dammit)
George or Taylor (Kanye’s publicity nemeses)
Bruce (He might start to look like Voldemort)
Anything Blue Ivy Carter does not approve of. (Duh)