The Bachelor: The Chris Harrison Awards (Part 1)


The Captain of the Love Ship Lowe

The Captain of the Love Ship Lowe

Before Gary Bettman and the NHLPA bozos reached an agreement I was ready to accept watching desperate women fight for Sean Lowe’s heart as the winter sport of 2013.  Even with the agreement I might still be more captivated by the seventeenth season of the Bachelor, despite Sean’s abstinence pledge, than the 2013 NHL season.

So for the first week I thought I’d hand out a few awards and pick a Hollywood spirit animal for each female if they made any sort of first impression on me.  But before that I need to talk about Sean a little bit.

With most reality television after a season is over I purge my memory of the show and cast to make room for the next one.  I have a limited amount of memory and can only devote so much of it to reality television.  I have to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway to familiarize myself with Sean again I read the bio and did some googling.  The most interesting part about Sean is that he played football at Kansas State.  So I dug up his old recruiting page and found he had a couple nice Big 12 offers.  Unfortunately Sean’s collegiate football career didn’t go so well.

The 52 ranked MLB

The 52 ranked MLB

Screen Shot 2013-01-09 at 9.53.30 PM

Sean looks like he was a prestigious member of football’s Club Trillion

Upon reading this my mind wandered and thought how the show would be different if an NFL linebacker was the bachelor.  Someone like Ray Lewis, Jon “Big Bees” Beason, James Harrison, or Brian Cushing.  It would be a hundred times more entertaining and I guarantee the male viewership would go up.  Just picture Ray Ray at the rose ceremony or James Harrison riding horseback.  That piece of advice is on the house ABC.

Screen Shot 2013-01-09 at 10.11.21 PM

Is this like Rocky climbing the mountain in Rocky IV?

As for my initial reaction to Sean, does anyone speak in more platitudes when discussing love or marriage.  Not a single thing the guy said was significant.  I wouldn’t be shocked to find out he was reading cue cards the entire opening segment.

Awards

Best Prop

Screen Shot 2013-01-09 at 11.23.16 PM

Kacie H and her breasts.  She used the classic slutty girl move of wearing a dress with the center cut out.  I pray I never ever ever have a daughter.

Worst Prop

Carnival Cruise's very own Kelly

Carnival Cruise’s very own Kelly

Kelly and her song.  Is there anything worse than a cruise ship entertainer, who believes they’re good, showing off her singing and song writing talents for all of America to see?  It’s the equivalent of someone who makes Kraft Mac & Cheese calls them self a cook, and then goes on Top Chef.

Best Look

Confused

Confused

Intrigued

Intrigued

Calling for security

Calling for security

Sean takes this one running away.  When Ashley P whipped out the tie you saw Sean’s face go from confused, to intrigued, to terrified in the span of 7 second.  This was hands down the highlight of the show for me.

Best Quote

First rose semantics

First rose semantics

Ashlee (The Professional Organizer)

(When discussing Tierra’s first rose)  It definitely wasn’t the first impression rose.  It was just the first rose.

Is there a better example of women interacting with one another when they are competing?  This is exactly why the Bachelor is great television and the Bachelorette is some of the worst.

Best Performance

Ashley I'm sure we'll see you again on Bachelor Pad

Ashley I’m sure we’ll see you again on Bachelor Pad

Ashley P

Between the tie, the dancing, and getting blato on the first night she was a tour de force.  If I were in Sean’s position I would not ask her to leave until she has to get her stomach pumped from alcohol poisoning and enter rehab or when she commits homicide in the house.

Best Job

I collect antiques

I collect antiques

Keriann calls herself an entrepreneur.  That’s code for “I’m funemployed and live off my trust fund.”

Best Looking

Screen Shot 2013-01-09 at 11.17.11 PM

I’m going with the ice queen Lesley.  Subject to change.  This is just my gut reaction.

I’ll post Part 2 Spirit Animals later today.

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One thought on “The Bachelor: The Chris Harrison Awards (Part 1)

  1. Pingback: Will You Accept This Rose: Hollywood Spirit Animals (Part 2) | 29th Floor/Growing Old

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