The Bachelor: Hollywood Spirit Animals (Part 2)


If you missed Part 1 The Chris Harrison Awards and are bored give it a look

Now on to part 2.

Being almost 30 years old I’ve come in contact with a pretty wide cross section of women.  I’m not saying I’ve bedded that many, but I’ve gotten to know quite a few.  Each one is different except for they all have at least a little bit of crazy in them.  This is not a new revelation by any means, but apologies in advance if I offended you.

Additionally I’ve seen hundreds of movies and television shows, which I think makes me an expert at snap judgements of women, or at the very least women that appear on The Bachelor.  And lets make sure one thing is clear, outside of their looks not a single one of these women is the type you want to marry, open a joint account with, or bring home to your old world Italian grandparents at Christmas.

They are cartoons.  These are the girls that would never be caught dead in the bars that I frequent.  I’ve found myself at their type of establishment on occasion.  You know the place, the bars that are named by using a noun followed by a number, like ZED 451, Social 25, or Hub 51.  In Chicago there was even a name for this section of bars, The Viagra Triangle.  Once in the bar these types of women are breezing right by me, offering a KG elbow along the way, to the deep v-necked chach who just ordered two bottles of Svedka with sparklers coming out of it for $ 400 dollars.

So you’re going notice a theme with the spirit animals chosen.  They are all completely undesirable women to marry for any rational male.  Some of the girls are left out as they made zero impression on myself or Sean.

Ashley P:  Beth from 40 Year Old Virgin

Crazy, cray, nuts, insane, loco, deranged, beaver shit crazy, unstable, moonstruck, touched, fruitcake, lunatic, 2007 Britney-esque.  Take your pick.  She is all of those.  The girl is completely out of her mind.  Like I said before though Sean and the producers should have kept her around just to see what she would do next.  This is not the last we’ll see of her.

Daniella:  Christinith from The Other Guys

Daniella strikes me as the type that is going have an 11 AM vodka soda with her Kashi cereal and Greek yogurt.  She’s also that type of girl that will read you the riot act if you mispronounce her name.  When you commit this faux pas she reacts the same way she would if you peed in the her dead grandmother’s urn.

Kristy:  Xena Warrior Princess

Kristy was my early pick.  I’m going have to revise that selection.  She’s the definition of an Amazonian woman.  If you cross her she will rip off your man parts and let out a warrior cry.  She’s totally full of herself, completely unstable, and might swing for the other team when she gets frustrated with men.

Lindsay:  Gloria from Wedding Crashers

Lindsay was pretty hard to miss between the wedding dress, failed make out attempt, and being a booze bag.  There is nothing behind those eyes.  She tried to play off the wedding dress as being cooky and funny, but it came off more like desperate and fit for a straight jacket.  Stage five clinger.

Tierra:  Samantha James from Just Friends

Tierra was pretty impressed with herself for being given a flower.  From watching the, “This Season On,” Tierra is clearly the least liked member of the house.  And is it just me or can everyone see her having no self awareness and acting the same way as Samantha James after she returns home from her time spent on the Bachelor?

Ashlee:  Jill from Knocked Up

I’ve never seen a female worse at acting passive aggressive towards other women.  Instead of her comments being 50% passive 50% aggressive, Ashlee’s  are more like 25% passive 75% aggressive.  As the oldest member and den mother of the brothel I can see her also being despised by the other ladies.

Taryn:  Catherine Trammel from Basic Instinct

I can’t put my finger on exactly why this was my initial thought, but there is something that creeps me out about Taryn.  Maybe it’s that she started crying for no reason or something just simple like her being older and blond.  Either way I can see her becoming some sexual deviant behind the scenes in an attempt to win Sean over.  And if she loses she’ll just tie him up and grab the ice pick from the mini bar.

As for the rest I wasn’t really able to make any clear judgements yet.  I’m sure that will all change in the coming weeks.  I’ll do better next time.

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