Buenos dias children.
The pride of Sissonville, West Virginia is back for week two and, what do you know, they found more Bud Light and bad idea jorts. One conclusion I’ve come to already is that, like The Office, I enjoy the fringe characters more than the featured ones. Fair warning, a majority of this post will be dedicated to Jesse J, the most fascinating member of the show. Lets get started.
I spy a fly swatter, an Obama|Biden sticker, a Louis Vitton bag, an energy drink and a kitchen than is a major candidate for Design On A Dime on HGTV. I’m spending waaay too much time watching tv with my parents.
I spy free wifi, crazy straws, beer towers, onion rings, an ad for Fatty Natty Tuesdays, and Jillian Jacobs’ nightmare.
A special request to my nightlife correspondent Mesrobs to determine what Fatty Natty Tuesdays means.
I spy a micro suede couch, red Solo cups, fringe, the ingredients for meth, and a pre-coitus conversation.
I spy Old Spice, Gold Bond, beard trimmings, TP, and the face of disappointment.
Tattoo Count: 25
Stray Dog Count: 8
I want everyone to know I respect the integrity of the stray dog and tattoo count so much so that I spent 2 minutes trying to determine if a silhouette was that of a dog or cow.
The only wholesome member of the Sissonville 8, Preston the dog.
I’m going just put my tongue on it. -Salwa
Do you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?
Shain, He’s only been in an elevator one time and he got sea sick. -Ashley
Ashley lets not throw stones in glass houses.
Get a squirrel I’m hungry. -Shae
I’m sure there is a Five Guys around the corner. Please eat that instead.
The fact that he’s such a good dad attracts me to him more. -Shae
Dear, you are pretty and have a degree, I promise there are better options.
(Look at that segway)
Jesse J. (Father, Basketball Aficionado, Philanderer)
Here is what we know about Jesse J, he dates Shae, has a daughter, is very tatted up, is best friends with Jesse B, and buys Affliction shirts.
Jesse’s tattoos are the Jordan logo (respect), a basketball with a crown (overkill), initials (In a font I can best describe as Razor Blade New), a 3 of spades with flames (not the ace, really?) and dog tags (is he ex-military?)
After a rousing night of bonfire drinking the after party heads to Jesse J’s house, where his daughter is sleeping. Looking for more of a variety he attempts to lure Salwa and Ashley to the bathroom for shenanigans. And in a stroke of genius to avoid waking anyone up or leaving any evidence Jesse J wrote out a text saying to meet him in the bathroom on his phone and then showing it to Salwa before deleting it. That move right there is in the Pantheon of skeezeball ways to cheat and not get caught. Absolute brilliance. Your honor I invite you to review my text history and you will find no evidence of said text.
Looking to make it up to Shae Jesse J had to send it in big for date night. Jesse J’s idea of a special night with Shae, bowling with his lady and best bud Jesse B! And her I thought he was going take her to Per Se.
From what I can tell Cara is in the biography section. Which option is the most likely one Cara is picking out.
Team of Rivals
The Autobiography of Malcolm X
Mornings on Horseback
I have just so many questions and the show provided me with so few answers. Is Caleb Morgantown’s premiere bodypainter? Did he go to school for this or was it more of an apprenticeship? How much does he charge? Has Caleb done a Living Social yet for his business? Is it a cash only business or does he take major credit cards? What life decisions need to be made to get to this point in your life? Does he like guacamole?
Poor Cara, all she wanted to do was share this special Hyperglow experience with her BF. Sadly though Tyler had other plans. He had discovered that when cameras follow you so do girls.
Now I’ve never attended a Hyperglow party, but I did once attend a similar club themed party, more specifically a foam party.
After finishing high school three of my best friends and I made the pilgrimage to Mexico’s most sin driven city Cancun. We’d all watched MTV Spring Break before and were eager to get in on the fun. Each night we went to a different club and did a great job avoiding trouble and a terrible job avoiding tequila.
So the night came when it was time for us to attend the Oasis Hotel’s Foam Party. Here’s what they don’t tell you about foam parties, if you are short, wear contacts lens, and are legally blind without them then you should sit this one out.
Well after getting into the party and having a couple adult beverages the foam started pouring in. There was a lot of white person grinding, jeans getting soaked, and more cocktails were being consumed. After about 45 minutes the foam had reached a level that was just below my shoulders. Panic was beginning to set in, and not because I’m about to be drowned by Cancun foam, but because the foam has now entered my eyes.
My eyes immediately turned bright red and puffy. Since I was a few drinks deep my mind started to race and rational thought had left the building. As far as I was concerned I had just contracted AIDS, herpes, polio, Ebola, Spanish Flu, The Black Death, or some combination of them all. So to combat the instant death that had just entered my eyes I decided to ditch my contacts.
Meanwhile the club was filled to capacity and the house music and strobe lights were working overtime. And just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse my best bud Steve noticed that someone had decided to go number 2 in the middle of the club. Now that right there is actually how the plague started. It’s time to pull the rip cord on the night. Being the best friend that he is Steve led me out of the ruckus as if he was my seeing eye dog, gathered our other friends, alerted them of the rogue turd, and found the exit.
That’s what friends are for. So to wrap up this week’s recap I’ll let Ms Dionne Warwick take it from here.