The Bachelor Recap: What They Said, What They Meant


The Frontrunner

The Frontrunner

With the departure of Ashley P, I have to admit I was skeptical that there were going be enough characters to keep me entertained through the season.  Then Daniella had her coming out party in week two.  For the entire 80 minutes she was on fire.  She is the comic relief of this season.  Tierra makes for the perfect villain.  Kacie B and Desiree are vying for America’s sweetheart and Selma is hot.

To make the season even more interesting I accepted an invitation (from one of the coolest GF’s of my friends) to join a Bachelor gambling pool.  The rules are simple.  Pick the final 10, 5, 3, and winner.  For each correct guess you get points.  At the bottom I’ll list my picks and document my progress throughout the season.  I’m sure you all care so much.

Now on to the premise for this weeks post

If you’ve ever dated, hooked up, or just had a conversation with someone of the opposite sex with the intent of getting physical you know that what both sides say is not really what they mean.  We speak cryptically towards one another because we’re all too afraid to actually put ourselves out there.  In my travels I’ve found this holds most true with women,  like when they tell you they think flowers are silly.  What they mean is I do like flowers, but I want you to WANT to buy them for me.  It’s all very confusing and the Bachelor is no exception.  So this week I decided to pick out a bunch of quotes from the show and interpret what they actually were saying.  Here we go!

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What They Said

Chris Harrison:  Sean is fantastic, probably the most sincere bachelor we’ve ever had on the show.  And I don’t know all of you yet, but I do know Sean and I see this working.

What They Meant

Sean is a great guy.  As far as I’m concerned you’re all a bunch of fame whores and if you break Sean’s heart you’ll have hell to pay.

What They Said

Kristy:  I wanna go on a one on one date with Sean.  I need my one on one time.

What They Meant

If I could get Sean alone for five minutes I would show him just what it means for a women to takeover in the bedroom.

What They Said

Sarah:  Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re going stop having fun.

What They Meant

I hope Sean knows better than to take me on a bike ride or this could get awkward quickly.

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What They Said

Sean:  Last night I was with 26 women.  That’s hard.

What They Meant

Listening to 26 girls talk about their issues is exhausting.

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What They Said

Sarah:  It’s terrifying, but at the same time I’m so excited and to be courageous.

What They Meant

Free falling? You have got to be kidding me.  I better get a rose through the next three rounds at minimum.

What They Said

Sarah:  (When discussing being unable to do a  zip line in Vegas)  My dad told me you need to find a guy that’s strong enough for moments like this.

What They Meant

If you think for one minute I’m going let you or America forget I’m disabled your head is not in the game.  If you get rid of me everyone will think you’re an insensitive jerk face.

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What They Said

Tierra:  I’m going on a group date with 12 other girls and it sucks.

What They Meant

This is a zero sum game and I hate all these bitches.

What They Said

Katie:  Going on a group date with 13 other women is not an ideal situation.

What They Meant

I’m in over my head here.  I think Tierra might cut me.

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What They Said

Sean:  We’re going be cover models for Harle Quinn novels, the most trusted name in romance novels.

What They Meant

So you know those trashy sex books with Fabio on display at the checkout line of the supermarket.  We’re going be on the cover of one.

What They Said

Katie:  I mean we’re at a photo shoot and we have some models in the house.  Did you see Kristy’s reaction?

What They Meant

Have you seen the legs on Kristy?  This competition was over before it began.  Where’s the buffet table?

What They Said

Tierra:  Oh, Kristy has extensions?

What They Meant

Extensions?  Can you say trashy?

What They Said

Stylist:  Tacky hoes are a dime a dozen

What They Meant

This is more pathetic than I thought it was going be.

What They Said

Tierra:  I have a good glow of life.

What They Meant

My breasts are fantastic.

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What They Said

Sean:  Lesley has made a big impression on me today.  I’m kind of seeing another side.  It’s a little sexier.

What They Meant

Lesley let down that ice queen exterior finally.  The bare midriff doesn’t hurt either.

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What They Said

Lesley:  (When talking about kissing Sean)  Claws are coming out.  I felt 12 sets of eyes glaring at me.

What They Meant

Tierra made the throat slash motion towards me.  What kind of security are we working with here again?

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What They Said

Robyn:  Ew Amanda looks so creepy.

What They Meant

She is so busted.

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What They Said

Catherine:  (When talking about Kristy’s photo shoot)  It was just a hot scene.

What They Meant

Game respecting game.

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What They Said

Kristy:  I’m getting the rose and the books and we’er sailing away.

What They Meant

It’s a wrap ladies.  I’m a god damn Ford model.

What They Said

Tierra:  I’m not here to play dress up.  I’m here for Sean and I want Sean to see what Tierra really wants.

What They Meant

Yes I’m crazy.  Yes I’m going win.  Yes I just referred to myself in the third person.  I told you I’m CRAZY!

What They Said

Lesley:  I’m here for love.

BREAKING NEWS:  That’s right baby we’re breaking news on the 29th Floor.  I have it on good authority that Lesley was dating someone in D.C. and broke up with him days before hopping on a flight to LA to film the Bachelor.  Shameful stuff right there.

What They Said

Lesley:  This is the Bachelor, things move a little more face paced than normal.

What They Meant

If I’m going win this thing I’m going have to slut it up a little bit.

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What They Said

Daniella:  (Talking about Sean & Lesley)  They’re going have a make out session right now.  I can feel it…….  Yea, they’re making out………  That’s not okay with me……

What They Meant

They’re going have a make out session right now.  I can feel it…….  Yea, they’re making out………  That’s not okay with me……  Do you have any Pinot?

What They Said

Kacie B:  We’ve done a few events together.  You treated me like a lady.

What They Meant

On the Bachelor reunion cruise ship you were really kind.  Arie was such a dog.

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What They Said

Sean:  (When Kacie asks if he wants to take her out of the friend zone)  …….  Pause  ………

What They Meant

Inner Monologue:  (Crap, Kacie is already asking me a commitment question.  How do I get out of this?  Think brain think.  Screw it I’ll put it off till next week.)  Kacie will you accept this rose?

What They Said

Catherine:  I’m vegan, but I love the beef.

What They Meant

I like man meat.  Is that forward enough for you Sean?

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What They Said

Daniella:  I love a lot of you girls.  I’m not going say all.  Katie is awkward and I don’t really know Tierra.  Is that her name, Tierra?  Tiarra?

What They Meant

I love a lot of you girls.  I’m not going say all.  Katie is awkward and I don’t really know Tierra.  Is that her name, Tierra?  Tiarra?  Pass the sangria.

What They Said

Daniella:  This is the most awkward situation we’re all going for the same guy.  How weird is that?

What They Meant

This is the most awkward situation we’re all going for the same guy.  How weird is that?  I could totes go for some french toast.

What They Said

Katie:  This makes me so uncomfortable.  This is not the right setting for me.  I need to go home.

What They Meant

Sean’s a good guy, but I’m not risking bodily harm from Tierra for this.  I’m going back to my yoga studio.  Namaste.

What They Said

Sean:  I’m so happy to be back on a one on one date.

What They Meant

I consider myself a caring person, but if I have to talk about my feelings one more time I’m going quit.

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What They Said

Chris Harrison:  How good is this going?  She bought it hook, line, and sinker!

What They Meant

This remind me of college.  We pranked so many chicks at Oklahoma City University bro.

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What They Said

Desiree:  (When being shown the Chernobyl sculpture)  Oh…..  interesting…..

What They Meant

What the hell is a Chernobyl?

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What They Said

Sean:  Cheers!!

What They Meant

One more glass of champagne and I might vomit.  Can I get a Coors Light please?

What They Said

Desiree:  For a 1st date I already think he’s my boyfriend.

What They Meant

I think of Sean like a boyfriend the same way I think of my boyfriend back home like a boyfriend.

What They Said

Lindsay:  I feel like the last time we walked through these doors I was in a wedding dress.

What They Meant

I can’t imagine why you kept me around, but thank you.

What They Said

Ashlee:  There is one dark cloud in the room and she’s (Amanda) making it so intense.

What They Meant

Amanda needs a hug

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What They Said

Amanda:  …………….(Death stare)………………………..

What They Meant

Sleep with one eye open ladies.  This isn’t a game for me.  This is war.

What They Said

Catherine:  Amanda’s making everyone uncomfortable.

What They Meant

Watching out for that midget Tierra is one thing, but Amanda has some size to her.

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What They Said

Daniella:  (Talking about Amanda)  I don’t understand that girl.  I feel like tonight is literally a tornado of negativity.

Improper use of literally alert!

What They Meant

I don’t understand that girl.  I feel like tonight is literally a tornado of negativity.  It’s 2:30, can someone make me a Tanqueray martini straight up with a twist.

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What They Said

Robyn:  I have noticed the show is becoming more culturally diverse.

What They Meant

There are four African American women on the show.  That’s a first.

Serious Moment….  Tip of the cap to Robyn for bringing up the race issue with Sean.  I know it’s the Bachelor, but anytime this issue is brought up in a thoughtful way the better. 

What They Said

Sean:  Diana I didn’t feel it was right to keep you from your girls.

What They Meant

Yea, sorry Diana but the two kids are a deal breaker.

What They Said

Daniella:  What is that whole world that’s underneath the ocean?  The Hades?  I’m going to the Hades.

What They Meant

What is that whole world that’s underneath the ocean?  The Hades?  I’m going to the Hades.  Who wants to finish this night off right with a j?

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MY BACHELOR POOL PICKS

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Still all good heading into Week 3.

Ashlee
Lesley
Leslie
Kristy
Kacie
Desiree
Selma
Tierra
Jackie
Sarah

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