Bachelor Recap: When Things Get Real

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Veteran watchers of the Bachelor like myself or Tommy Brady start to notice certain trends, words, or themes that come up each year.  A Bachelor buzzword that is an old standby is “real.”  If you are going be a part of the Bachelor first and foremost you need to realize that this game is real.  And if you want to go on a real date (A one on one) with Sean you need to keep it real, but most importantly your love better be real.

So I figured who better to determine when things get real than to watch with someone who always keeps it real, my mom.  My mom is new to the Bachelor and it took some serious convincing and guilt tripping to get her to watch with me, but I was successful after I reminded her how many episodes of House Hunters I have had to endure since moving home.

Additionally my mom has always had good advice on dating.  For as long as I can remember she has given me three rules when dating.  First, the way the relationship starts is the way it ends.  Second, look at the girl’s family cause if it’s cray there might be an issue.  The third rule and most important one my mom tells me is that the secret to wealth is one woman.

Unfortunately getting my mom to determine when a situation became real was tough since she kind of just gave a continuous running commentary.  Her commentary didn’t disappoint though.  But it’s up to me to decide when things got real.

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The Scene:  Sean has made the difficult choice of choosing Lesley M to go with him on his next one on one date.  The producers and Sean selected the Guinness World Record Museum.  A curious choice since most people won’t find the world’s shortest woman or the longest fingernail all that sexy.  But the suave Sean has come up with the brilliant idea of breaking the world’s longest on screen kiss, an arduous three minutes and fifteen seconds.  With a crowd and Hollywood Boulevard as the backdrop, Chris Harrison throws down the gauntlet, the sweeping John Williams esque music kicks in, and they begin to kiss.  The next three minutes of television were some of the most riveting since Steve Urkel turned into Stefan.  This kiss ends in success and after champagne fell from the heavens Sean raised the Guinness World Record plaque victoriously.

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It Got Real When:  Guinness representative Stuart Claxton boasted to all of LA, in his snide British accent, that the record had stood for 10 years and that the record would be voided if their lips unlocked for just a second.

Mom commentary:  Andrew who agrees to go on this show?  Are they supposed to be a harum or is this a Mormon thing?  I can’t believe you watch this garbage…….  I bet Tanner (lifelong friend) doesn’t watch this…….  There is no way this one does anything but get coffee (When being told Lesley is in politics in D.C.)  I can’t believe these girls walk around in dresses this short…..  Girls are becoming guys….

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The Scene:  For this week’s group date Sean took 12 of the girls from the house to the beach.  With the sun splashing across the Pacific  Sean and some of the ladies through the old pigskin around, while other girls judged how they each looked in a bikini.  Never to miss a modeling photo opportunity Kristy posed for pictures as if she was C.J. Parker from Baywatch.  It wasn’t shown, but I imagine Daniella was off camera having a good time drinking a Pina Colada.  Just when the girls began to relax Chris Harrison showed up to let the girls know they would be competing for some REAL time with Sean by playing a beach volleyball match.  The match was fiercely contested and the team of Lindsay, Kacie, Amanda, Dez, Robyn, and Jackie evoked memories of Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor with their winning effort.  The obligatory champagne was popped to celebrate the victory, while the other team fell to pieces emotionally.  The once cocky Kristy was disappointed in her effort and the still mysterious Leslie with an I broke down on the van ride back to the house.

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It Got Real When:  Taryn told the camera that this was the most important game of her life, because the heart of her potential husband was on the line.  Although Daniella’s sacrificing of her body to get in a good dig should not go unnoticed.

Dad commentary:  This shows seems like it is just an excuse to show boobs and tits….. 

Mom commentary:  Sonny those are the same thing (In response to my dad’s statement)……  Oh look at that a substitute teacher, there’s something with her mouth though…..  I mean clearly none of these girls are Jessica Simpson large…  I don’t think this Sean is attractive…  I don’t like blond men…..  I can’t see their eyebrows or eyelashes…..  That bothers me…..  He’s in shape, I’ll give him that, but I’m not impressed….

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The Scene:  With the beach volleyball victory in the books the winning team took to some alternate Bachelor mansion to enjoy the evening with Sean.  One by one the girls spent time alone with Sean.  Lindsay told Sean that she was amazed by him.  Dez continued to do Dez things and clearly stole a T.J. Lavin, of MTV Challenge host fame, line by telling Amanda she “killed it” on the volleyball court.  Amanda confidently stated that the rose was hers after he alone time with Sean and that it had nothing to do with volleyball.  Kacie B, America’s sweetheart, pushed her chips to the center of the table when she alerted Sean to the friction between Amanda and Dez.  As for Jackie, she wasn’t on camera once alone with Sean and it remains a mystery as to how she has survived yet another rose ceremony.  And as the tension of who would get the rose came to a crest Sean decided on Wedding-Dress-Lindsay….

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It Got Real When:  Kacie opened her mouth and immediately looked crazy.

Mom commentary:  He’s kissing girls again?  How are they supposed to think any of this is meaningful…  What on earth is a fit model….  I think Amanda is the best looking one in this group…  No Dez doesn’t do it for me at all (After I told her Dez has a Katie Holmes look)…..  How desperate is this Sean to go on this show?  I can’t believe he is your age Andrew….  What is that wrist thing she (Kacie) has on…  Why do girls where those things that look like ribbon…

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The Scene:  As Ashlee finishes her final preparations for her one on one with Sean the sound of perfectly tanned skin hitting Spanish tile floor echos throughout the house.  Cries are let out and prayers are said as the camera has now focused on a fallen Tierra lying motionless on the floor.  Sarah rushes to Tierra’s aid and a producer is on the horn asking for an ambulance.  Sean has now entered looking to pick up Ashlee, but rushes to Tierra’s side and tells the house in his opinion she has a concussion.  Cut to an interview with Sean where he lets us know that he suffered a few concussions playing football, which is odd considering he registered zero statistics when playing for KSU.  The paramedics are prepared to take Tierra in, when she stoically tells everyone she is fine.  Ashlee lets the camera know that she is smart and believes Tierra staged the scene to get some alone time with Sean.

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It Got Real When:  Production decided on a house with multiple levels and not a ranch style home.

Mom commentary:  Oh good….  She’s alright…  She was probably wearing some of those huge heels girls wear now…  After seeing Tierra was alright my mom retreated to her computer for 10 minutes to catch her breath from the drama.

The Scene:  Sean and Ashlee pull up to an empty Six Flags and what appears to be another lackluster one on one date.  But Sean tells Ashlee that there is a twist and that they will be accompanied by two girls who suffer from a rare disease that are best friends who met through an online social service and are meeting for the very first time.  This is shockingly current considering the recent Manti Te’o story.  Luckily there was no hoax and both girls showed up to join Sean and Ashlee’s date.  The four dropped a few stories, road the viking ship that swings back and forth, played ring toss for giant giraffes, and took some old timey photos together.  And as the day began to wind down the four thrill seekers were given one last surprise, a private concert from Sean’s favorite musical act Mike Eli.  Who the fuck is Mike Eli?  They danced their troubles away, but before the date was over Ashlee seized the moment when she was alone with Sean to tell him about her adoption and upbringing, making Sarah’s zip line story sound like a Full House episode.

It Got Real When:  Mike Eli breathlessly uttered the words, “keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart.”

Mom commentary:  She (Ashlee) looks the oldest in the group…  She has nice bone structure, but needs a haircut….  I wouldn’t want to be wearing that dress on some of those rides….  Your father would go for any of these women if he saw them on the street (After my dad said he wasn’t impressed with any of them)…..

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The Scene:  With time slipping through the girls hands like the sand on the Pacific each girl hurriedly stole Sean away from the next hoping for some of the precious one on one time with dull but nice guy Sean.  Lesley, Lindsay, and Ashlee were allowed to relax since they already had roses.  And Daniella relaxed of course because the Chardonnay was flowing and she’s a boss.  Dez was left hanging and feeling betrayed after having Sean stolen away by Tierra.  Tierra’s gamesmanship was on display as she turned Sean into a moving target by having him walk with her instead of sitting down, making the steal that much more difficult.  Sean had Sarah’s dog chauffeured up to the house to cheer up her, since she wasn’t a part of any dates this week.  (I’m all out on Sarah by the way, and it has nothing to do with the arm and everything to do with the voice.)  Kristy of course made another strange face on camera and in a shocking twist Sean showed Kacie the door before the rose ceremony, to spare her of the humiliation, despite this still being on national television.  And after the last rose was handed out Kristy and Taryn made the long walk down the hall to their exit.

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It Got Real When:  Production had Sean take a rose outside with him in order to build intrigue only to tell Kacie he put her BACK in the friend zone.

Mom commentary:  Wait there are only three leaving?  How many more times are you going make me watch this with you?  I don’t know if I’m going be able to do this…  It makes women look terrible…When they leave do they make them go without there stuff?  She (Selma) looks like she has had work done…..

Dad commentary:  (Rising from an iPad comma and disgusted with the opulence of the inaugural dinner)  The dinner at the inauguration tonight was 3,000 calories.


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