Not Your Parents Spring Break…….. Or Even Your Spring Break


If I told you that Selena Gomez, Vanessa Hudgens, and James Franco were going to be in a movie together you’d think you would have a pretty good idea what it would be about.  A cotton-candy-Disney-teenybopper-vehicle, and that wouldn’t be a bad guess at all.  If I then told you rapper Gucci Mane was attached to the project confusion would begin to set in, and understandably so.

Well when these four entertainers are put together this is what you get….

Take two minutes and watch the trailer.

Now this is exactly what I think terrorists in the mountains of the Middle East believe takes place on a regular Wednesday in America.  The trouble is this is like nothing I’ve seen in my entire existence.

I attended several Spring Break vacations throughout my college tenure and admittedly made the irresponsible/immature decision or two while on the trips.  I can also say I saw what would certainly qualify as depraved behavior, but nothing like what this movie depicts.

After watching the trailer I went back and counted the number of scenes shown in the trailer and it is roughly 110.  I then went and counted the number of scenes that I can say I’ve actually experienced with my own two eyes.  This is what I came up with.

Girl reading book.

Girl reading book.

Girl in class

Girl in class

Car

Car

Girl laughing

Girl laughing

People partying on bus.

People partying on bus.

Crowd of people with red Solo cups

Crowd of people with red Solo cups

Girl crying

Girl crying

Girl in church

Girl in church

Girls in hallway

Girls in hallway

Road

Road

That’s ten different shots or 9% of the scenes in the trailer.  I can guarantee there are mores scenes in the Star Wars trailer that are more applicable to my life, and that movie took place in god damn outer space.  News flash I’ve never been to space.

Here’s just a couple of the shots that were never a part of any Spring Break or life experience I was a part of.

Screen Shot 2013-02-26 at 11.44.57 PM Screen Shot 2013-02-26 at 11.45.39 PM Screen Shot 2013-02-26 at 11.46.06 PM

And then there is this one.

Screen Shot 2013-02-26 at 11.45.35 PM

I’m a few years removed from college, but I know that DTF does not stand for any sorority in the Greek system.  I do respect James Franco’s Zumba pants.

This movie makes a GGW video, which has sent at minimum 500 fathers to the ER for heart complications, look like a Full House episode.

The big winners from this movie are those that wanted to watch Trinidad James Franco simulate doing the ultimate with Vanessa Hudgens, and the ASBL, or Anti Spring Break League.  The ASBL is a group formed in 2008 by a bunch of rogue PTA mothers in Orlando, and I’m sure if you dig into the financial backing of this movie you’ll find their involvement.  You can look them up on Wikipedia.

The losers here are any college students hoping to go on Spring Break next month and the tourism bureaus of Cancun, Daytona, Acapulco, Negril, and Panama City.  The other loser in all this are those Spring Break tour groups like Student City, which I couldn’t be more happy about.  All inclusive does not mean being given a voucher for 1 McDonalds cheeseburger between the hours of 11 and 1.

Alright now go wash your eyes out with Holy Water before you catch Conjunctivitis.

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