Dear Chip Kelly Jeff Lurie & the rest of the Philadelphia Eagles Staff,
I only have a few requests for the draft tomorrow and throughout the weekend. They aren’t outlandish. In fact they are all very simple and don’t require much more than using logic and reason. Chip I know this is your first NFL Draft rodeo so don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I’m not asking you to hit a home run with every pick. Even if you bat .300 in this draft that’s not a bad start. Just don’t go up their flailing like Ryan Howard at the plate post 2010. Below are my requests. Thanks for hearing me out and good luck in the war/nerd room.
1. Please don’t draft a “workout warrior.” A certain former Eagle comes to mind that was of Italian descent and had a tendency to whip his boy parts out at unsuspecting women.
2. Lets not go out there and reach for a player in the first round that can be drafted in the 4th round? I know the guy might be an athletic freak and you might envision him as the next great defensive lineman, but be patient and pick him in the round he should be picked in. If you can’t figure out who I’m talking about, Jon Harris I’m looking at you buddy. When I did a Google image search there were literally only three pictures of you. There are more photos of Virgil Earp (Wyatt’s brother) running around on the internet than there are of Jon Harris.
3. Now that Andy Reid is gone could we stop picking “fastballs.” The Eagles definition of a fastball is an undersized defensive lineman who has a modicum of speed, little strength and is usually out of the league before the end of a presidential term. Past examples include Bryan Smith, Daniel Te’o-Neisham, Brandon Graham, and Trevor Laws.
4. Why don’t we just agree to steer clear of any and all fireman that are making the jump to the NFL. I admit the Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon staring Tony Danza is an inspirational piece of cinema, but lets just avoid prospects that had a career before football.
5. Please! Please! Please don’t select a player that makes me react like this.