It’s Saturday morning 10 AM. Your eyelids feel like cement blocks as you open them. Your breathe is producing the same smell that is produced by a sauna filled with six buffalo in hockey pads. Just as you decide it will be easier to fall back asleep until the smell and pain subsides, your hand falls over the side of your bed and feel the slippery handle of a cheap plastic bag. Curious and excited you peer over the edge of the bed to find a 7-11 bag filled with Cool Ranch Doritos, Rolos, 1.5 Lemon-Lime Gatorades, and a rented copy of Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. You ask yourself, “what sorcery is this,” and as you finish taking down the a large gulp of the Gatorade you smile. Last night you received a visit from Drunk Santa.
For those of you unfamiliar with the degenerate cousin of the Santa Claus children know and love allow me to explain. Unlike his one night a year cousin Drunk Santa is on call 365 days a year. His busiest nights are Friday and Saturday night, but sometimes he’ll deliver gifts on a random Tuesday evening after a happy hour with co-workers. Drunk Santa works on Cico De Mayo, Super Bowl Sunday, and even the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
The frequency with which Drunk Santa appears depends on two things, first how well you can handle your booze and second how close your bed is to the nearest convenience store. Thanks to Drunk Santa college students and weekend warriors still get to experience the same Xmas Day excitement they did when they were nine after those nights when you didn’t say no to that last Bear Fight.
Drunk Santa knows when you’ve been drinking. He knows when you’re half asleep. He knows if you love Combos, so close your tab for goodness sake.