Sunridge, Canada ——The bi-annual battle between the Corns (Unicorns) and Great Americans took place on a screen saver-esque Sunday three hours north of Toronto in a little town called Sunridge. Teams were divided and tensions were high as the game began. To the dismay of Great American’s third base coach Tanner Rouse the Corns jumped out to an early 4-0 lead in the first inning off the power of Un Beck and savvy of Mannion. Great American’s starting pitcher The Dog was knocked around early but never lost his focus.
The public ridicule was reaching critical mass after Andrew (that’s me) had begun the game committing 5,236 throwing errors from behind the plate and going 0-2 with a strikeout in his first two at bats. While attempting to shift the blame to a lacrosse background he realized that not knowing how to properly throw a baseball was inexcusable.
The Corns feeling the hot damp breath of the Great Americans on the back of their neck after the lead was cut to a single run surged once again to extend their lead out to five runs. With Rouse apoplectic on the bench and an overheated Tyson the Bulldog scavenging the dirt for fallen Chex-Mix the Great Americans regrouped and heeded the advice of another great American Rocky Balboa who said,
“The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you’re hit. It’s about how hard you can get it and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!”
In the bottom of the ninth inning, armed with the advice to slow down from hitting coach John Nosal, Andrew Adams stepped to the plate now 0-3 and having put out an AMBER Alert for any sort of hit. With a more patient approach Andrew saw his first ball to bat contact of the game. The baseball angels descended a la Angels in the Outfield and guided the weakly hit ball through the infield for a base hit. The rally was on and 20 minutes later after playing some station to station small ball the bases were cleared with a triple and the Great Americans were within a run. One swing later and the game was tied and heading into extra innings.
The Great American’s held the Corns scoreless in the top of the 10th thanks to a spectacular catch by LF Gross, who ran the ball down with the haste of someone feeling a bathroom accident coming on. Now in the bottom half of the frame No-Sleeves Rouse held the bat, his arms as hairless as a five year, ready to swing. As soon as the ball made hard contact with the bat the music from The Natural began playing from speakers that were nowhere to be found, meaning only one thing, that Shoeless Joe was watching from above and playing the music from his wireless Jambox. As the ball sailed through the blue sky Rouse got on his horse, or maybe it was more like a battered mule, and rounded the bases before being stopped at third. After a strikeout Andrew Adams again found himself at the plate with Rouse at third fidgeting and ready to come home. Adams geriatric swing once again made contact and the ball slower made its way to the shortstop. Rouse charged toward home and touched home plate just as the ball was reaching the catcher. The benches cleared with the Great Americans snatching an 11-12 victory away from the Corns.