The turning of the leaves signals more than just the start of football season and wearing sweatpants outdoors season. And just like the weather the movie industry has four seasons as well. January through March is “Shit Season” or when the studios release all of the movies they originally thought might win an award, but then quickly realiz suck (Broken City) and wait to release them until after the last day of the year. March through May is “Mixed Bag” season. It’s a little bit of everything like big budget films that aren’t good enough for summer (Oblivion) art house indie stuff (To The Wonder) and blockbusters that the studio can’t wait to release (Iron Man 3). End of May through August is “Big Budget & For The Kids” season. It’s pretty self-explanatory Superman, World War Z, and Despicable Me 2 are examples from this past summer. September through December is Oscar season along with big budget family movies for Christmas day.. All of the studios wait till the end of the year to release the films they believe could win the golden statue so that they are fresh in the voters minds when they go to submit their votes for the winners. As bad as this summer’s movie slate was (I’m looking at you Todd Phillips) I think the fall will make up for it. I’ve broken things down into a few categories to make things easier. Part 1 will handle more of the fun movies out this fall and have less to do with the ones that might win an award.
The Peter Jackson Division (The Extravagant Budget)
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Plot: The Dwarves, Bilbo and Gandalf have successfully escaped the Misty Mountains, and Bilbo has gained the One Ring. They all continue their journey to get their gold back from the Dragon, Smaug. (IMDB, along with all other plot summaries)
Release Date: December 13th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: It didn’t. My thoughts on this movie are the same I have toward Game of Thrones. Sorry. I can tell you the trailer lost me the moment an albino said “and slay a dragon.”
Quick Thoughts: My friends all know this but I’ll explain my statement above further. Once magic and dragons and wizards are brought into the equation I’m out. I lose about 85% of my interest. I’ve seen the LOTR movies and even the first Hobbit and can appreciate that they are well done. But sorcery isn’t my thing.
What Would Rob Schneider Do: In this part I’m going do my best to find a role Schneider could play cause I’m a supporter of the little guy. I was once in an hour long debate over the quality of “The Hot Chick.” For this movie though it is easy make Rob one of the dwarfs, they’ll save on not having to CGI him down to dwarf size and he’s definitely goofy looking enough to be one of the dwarfs.
The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
Plot: Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark become targets of the Capitol after their victory in the 74th Hunger Games sparks a rebellion in the Districts of Panem.
Release Date: November 22nd
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When Phillip Seymour Hoffman gave a creepy look to Donald Sutherland
Quick Thoughts: I still can’t believe these books were marketed to kids. I loved them, but good lord if I was 12 I would been sizing up all my classmates all day after reading them thinking at a moment’s notice I’d have to fight the scary 7th grader that stole my Duke hat.
W.W.R.S.D. Give Stanley Tucci’s role to Schneider. Schneider can play flamboyant and Tucci has already been in about a billion great movies (America’s Sweethearts).
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues
Plot: With the 70s behind him, San Diego’s top rated newsman, Ron Burgundy, returns to take New York’s first 24-hour news channel by storm.
Release Date: December 20th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: The moment I saw Baxter sipping out of a straw.
Quick Thoughts: This feels like it should be a summer movie, but whatever. I’m all in. Sequels can suck (Hangover 2) but this should be a little easier. Really all Ferrell, Rudd, and company have to do is say funny things. The outfits, facial hair, and chest hair will take care of the rest.
W.W.R.S.D. Make Rob the first anchor of the rival 24 hour news channel at Fox and pair him up with Tim Meadows. During the inevitable street fight scene Brick can cut his ear off with a broccoli and cheddar soup can.
Plot: 70 years after a horrific alien war, an unusually gifted child is sent to an advanced military school in space to prepare for a future invasion.
Release Date: November 1st
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When a “I Use To Be The Star, Not Some Shithead Kid” looking Harrison Ford first appears on the screen in a blue jump suit.
Quick Thoughts: I can’t wait to see this one. And I don’t understand how it took them so long to make this movie. The book was one of only two I had to read in school that I enjoyed. The other was Animal Farm. Weird I know.
W.W.R.S.D. Just make Rob an extra in the human army and throw him a few thousand dollars to make up the difference Sandler wouldn’t pay him for Grown Ups 2 so that Schneider will be in Grown Ups 3.
The James Franco Division (Indie Film Surprise)
Plot: Two highway road workers spend the summer of 1988 away from their city lives. The isolated landscape becomes a place of misadventure as the men find themselves at odds with each other and the women they left behind.
Release Date: September 19th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When Rudd did his funny flamboyant dance move while fishing.
Quick Thoughts: So I actually got to see this since it was On Demand same day as it was released in theaters. I thought it was decent, my friend whose opinion I trust hated it. We both agreed the music was great though.
W.W.R.S.D. If Schneider was cast in either Hirsch or Rudd’s role this movie never gets made. Poor Rob.
The Spectacular Now
Plot: A hard-partying high school senior’s philosophy on life changes when he meets the not-so-typical “nice girl.”
Release Date: September 13th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: Absolutely the moment the OneRepublic song kicks in. I’m cheesy.
Quick Thoughts: I went and saw this in theaters. Movies like this and Kings of Summer always grab me. Maybe it’s cause I enjoyed high school so much. I didn’t expect this movie to be as heavy as it was though. It was great, there was just more depth to in than I expected.
W.W.R.S.D. I’m confident Rob could have played the suit shop owner role that was given to Bob Odenkirk. Just give Rob a chance.
Ain’t Them Bodies Saints
Plot: The tale of an outlaw who escapes from prison and sets out across the Texas hills to reunite with his wife and the daughter he has never met.
Release Date: August 16th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When the director decided every male cast needed a robust mustache.
Quick Thoughts: I know this one has been out, but I figured it was worth including. I haven’t seen it yet, and not sure if I will if it doesn’t win anything. Also I have absolutely no idea what time period this takes place in. Do you?
W.W.R.S.D. I don’t think Rob can really grow facial hair and I would bet this director likes things to be authentic so it doesn’t look like there is a role for Rob.
Plot: Two young boys encounter a fugitive and form a pact to help him evade the bounty hunters on his trail and to reunite him with his true love.
Release Date: May 10th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When the cop show’s Mud’s mugshot, I swear they just used McConaughey’s mugshot from when he was playing his bongos naked.
Quick Thoughts: Again I know it came out in May, but this was actually a great movie. And I’m not saying that as a McConaughey apologist. He’s excellent and so are the two kids. I normally don’t like movies that take place it the deep south or bayou. It frightens me. But this one I’d recommend. Also this could be Matty M’s year. He’s going be on this list two more times, so more on him later.
W.W.R.S.D. Michael Shannon was in this as a creepy uncle, but really didn’t have a huge role. Shannon is creepy, but Schneider can be even creepier.
The Christian Slater Memorial (How Were These Green lit?)
I was going go through the same spiel for these, but then decided what is the point. All of these movies look awful and will definitely lose money for the studios.
300: Rise of an Empire – Bad
47 Ronin – Keanu you can do better
7th Son – Is Jeff Bridges in some sort of financial debt?
Delivery Man – Vince Vaughn you have fallen so far, and that makes me weep.
Grab Bag (A Little Bit Of Everything)
Plot: A look at the New York City punk-rock scene and the venerable nightclub, CBGB.
Release Date: October 11th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When whatever actor that is said, “The name of the band is Talking Heads.”
Quick Thoughts: I first came across CBGB when I watched the Sting Behind The Music, and briefly figured out what it was exactly, but never bothered to learn much else. The number of bands that played there that I still listen is at least a half dozen so even though Johnny Galecki is in the movie I’m still likely to see it. At the absolute very very least the music in this movie will be great.
W.W.R.S.D. Make Rob one of the Ramones. Done and done.
Plot: A New Jersey guy dedicated to his family, friends, and church, develops unrealistic expectations from watching porn and works to find happiness and intimacy with his potential true love.
Release Date: September 27th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: First when I saw Tony Danza was in it, and a second time when Gordon-Levitt was singing in the car at the end. That happens to me at least twice a day.
Quick Thoughts: I’m not sure how well I am going relate to Don Jon when I consider the things states the things he cares about. Body (not in top shape) Pad (living at home) Ride (Honda CRV) Family (We can agree on that) Church (It’s been a long while) Boys (ok we got two things in common now) Girls (Hahahaha my date seen doesn’t exist) Porn (who downloads porn at this point? Stream it). I’m buying JGL stock though. He was a child actor and made it out the other side unscathed. You’ve got to be pretty special to pull that off.
W.W.R.S.D. Oh boy, this could be difficult. If Rob is willing to get a blowout haircut and roid up on HGH for 5 years maybe there is a part for him in the sequel.
Kill Your Darlings
Plot: A murder in 1944 draws together the great poets of the beat generation: Allen Ginsberg, Jack Kerouac and William Burroughs.
Release Date: October 16th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When Radcliffe is on the screen. Hey, I’m curious to see how his career turns out.
Quick Thoughts: I know so little about this time period that the plot and characters involved are what really hooked me even more than Radcliffe post Potter. I think there is about a 65% chance he’s able to get past Potter and have a successful career in the movies.
W.W.R.S.D. Give Rob David Cross’ role as Louis Ginsberg. Just keep Cross over at Netflix making more Arrested Development episodes. Everyone wins.
The Mitch McDeere Division (Will be on TNT/USA/FX for the next 20 years)
Plot: When a poor college student who cracks an online poker game goes bust, he arranges a face-to-face with the man he thinks cheated him, a sly offshore entrepreneur.
Release Date: October 4th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: The moment John Ralphio showed up on screen as JT’s college buddy.
Quick Thoughts: I’m going have a hard time taking this one seriously with JT as an MIT or Harvard poker shark. It’s not his lane. I’m not saying he isn’t smart, but he can’t pull off brainy too well. As for Affleck I think he is just playing the same role he did in Dogma. This will be perfect for cable on a Sunday two years from now when the Eagles are off and I don’t feel like watching football.
W.W.R.S.D. Rob can play the role of JT’s broke dad. Everything else about this movie looks absurd, so trying to pass off Schneider and Timberlake being from the same gene pool isn’t that big of a stretch.
Plot: When a structural-security authority finds himself set up and incarcerated in the world’s most secret and secure prison, he has to use his skills to escape with help from the inside.
Release Date: October 18th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When I heard the unmistakable voice of Arnold say, “bach awvay.”
Quick Thoughts: I won’t be able to wait to see this one on demand. I’ll see it in theaters. There are no actions stars left. An entire genre that was part of my youth is gone. So I’ll take what I’m left with, a lumpy mashed potato looking Stallone and Schwarzenegger. These guys get it at this point and don’t take themselves too seriously, which is how they remain likable. The movie reminds me of the garbage my mom hauled out of the basement recently. It’s clearly trash, but it didn’t smell rancid and was full of objects from my youth like old G.I. Joe action figures and a torn Shaq poster.
W.W.R.S.D. Give Rob the role of “guy who gets shanked in lunch line.” This scene happens in every single movie that takes place in a prison.
Plot: Three sixty-something friends take a break from their day-to-day lives to throw a bachelor party in Las Vegas for their last remaining single pal.
Release Date: November 1st
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When Morgan Freeman says, “I have a hemorrhoid that is almost 32” in classic Morgan Freeman shocked voice.
Quick Thoughts: Clearly this movie was thought up by some genius that said everybody loves old people everybody loved The Hangover, so lets put the two together! Thing is whoever came up with it is right. I’ll see this at some point, and I’m sure I’ll get stuck on it on TNT through at least one commercial break every time it makes a cable appearance.
W.W.R.S.D. Have Rob reprise his role as a bellhop a la Home Alone 2.
Plot: A pair of aging boxing rivals are coaxed out of retirement to fight one final bout — 30 years after their last match.
Release Date: December 25th
When The Trailer Hooked Me: When Alan Arkin stopped Stallone from punching in the meat locker.
Quick Thoughts: Is there a more sure sign that your mailing in your career than when you show up on the “I’ll watch this on cable” list? This is Stallone’s second appearance and it would be DeNiro’s third if The Family hadn’t come out in August. The other thing that gets me about these films is when I watch them I always forget the fact that it’s not the story of the actual actors life. DeNiro and Stallone are doing just fine financially, but I still think of them as Balboa and Lamotta who are now wallowing in the gutter, because both actors have been irrelevant for so long now. Speaking of which, what does it say about the film when Kevin Hart is the most relevant member of the cast?
W.W.R.S.D. Honestly Rob might already have a role in this one.