Characters Of A Bachelor Party

Having been a part of numerous bachelor parties at this point I feel like I have a pretty good understanding of the recipe needed for success.  To understand what is needed you first need to understand the mentality the group is bringing to the event.  Bachelor party groups have the same mentality prisoners do after jumping over the wall or escaping the asylum.  I don’t have intimate knowledge of the prisoner mind after escaping, but I watched Prison Break so I have some sense.  Everyone in the group has this wave of freedom come crashing over them.  Whether it’s freedom from work, a spouse, or just the day to day monotony of life depends on the individual.  But collectively the group becomes these merchants of chaos.  It’s as if all the villains from the Batman movies escaped Arkham Asylum and lead Batman and his confidants on a ride that puts all the previous incidents to shame., which leads me back to the point of this post.  In order to have a successful trip, which means giving the bachelor has a memorable experience, getting everyone home safely, and making sure nobody makes a decision that will have a drastically negative effect on their future.  So in order to accomplish this you need the right players, which ends up being very similar to the characters from Batman.  Here’s what I mean.

Batman (The Bachelor)

He’s the one thread that links everyone in the motley crew of bros together.  The bachelor is to be celebrated and thus allowed to live dangerously for 48 hours without taking things to far.  The only responsibility of the bachelor all weekend should be to get into shenanigans with the more volatile members of the group, while also being looked after by the more mature team members.

The Penguin (The Financier)

This burdensome responsibility typically falls to the member with the most zeros next to his name.  They offer to put down the deposits for things like the house rental, booze cruise, party bus, or tailgate.  And while on the outside appearing generous the Penguin also needs to be aggressive in order to get all the dead beat members to pay.  Also the Penguin normally doesn’t just spend lavish amounts, that how he acquired wealth in the first place, but for occasions like this he’ll spend because he knows putting down that deposit is part of his dastardly plan to aid in creating an experience that will cause some member of the group to make poor decisions.

Lucius Fox  (The Travel Agent)

The travel agent, sometimes the best man, who also has to assume the role of financier at times, is in charge of making all the necessary calls and reservations.  This arduous task involves reservations for group dinner at a BBQ joint, transportation needs, coordinating dates that work for everyone, and creating an experience that is tailored to what the bachelor wants.  If the bachelor is more of a bar/pub guy he isn’t going have as enjoyable a time in Vegas as opposed to the bachelor who loves clubbing and silk shirts.  So the travel agent needs to listen to the requests of the bachelor to give him the experience he desires, while also being sensitive to things like cost and distance.

The Joker (The Instigator)

The Joker is the maestro of the mayhem.  We all have that friend.  The guy who gets after it and parties, but also stays sober enough to egg on the drunker and more inhibition free people to do stupid things.  He buys the shots of Jameson, when nobody needs them, and then tells the least sober guy to dance with the good looking girl whose boyfriend is only three feet away.  He challenges people to live outside their comfort zone, but it’s only for his own entertainment.  Rallying the troops at 4 AM to go to one last bar, when everyone has spent way too much money and half the group left their credit cards three bars ago is standard for him as well.  His goal for the weekend is to have bedlam swirling around him at all times, regardless of the consequences.

Bane  (The Liability)

The role of the liability is pretty self-explanatory.  He’s the one most easily influenced by the Joker.  He’s the guy on the trip most likely to get arrested or kicked out of the one nice meal planned for the weekend.  Hell he might not even show up at all, or is lost for the weekend within the first 6 hours.  The responsible members’ butts pucker up around the third bar of the night when the walking liability is eating his undershirt like a piece of beef jerky washing it down with his 16th light domestic all while singing in tongues to the tune of “We Found Love.”

Carmine Falconi  (The Ladies Man)

He’s the best looking guy of the group that also has the most game with women.  At the bar or tailgate he’s cast out into the crowd like a fishing line by the Joker with the hope that he’ll bring some girls back with him to the rest of the group.  And when successful this accomplishes two things, first getting potentially getting some of the single guys some action, and second giving the illusion that the group isn’t just some drunk creepy crew of mongoloid guys on a 48 hour bender.  A final positive of a successful Ladies man cast is providing entertainment for the bachelor since he can now watch his single friends fumble through talking to the girls by asking questions like, “Were you left feeling empty at the end of Lost too?”

Two Face  (The Drunk)

We all have this friend as well.  The guy who is mild mannered all day and acts fairly straight lanced, even denying himself seconds on the pulled pork because he is training for a half marathon.  Then night comes the booze begins to flow and it is all downhill from there.  It’s as if he switches off half of his brain and turns on this other side that leads him down a dark dark path.  Before you know it he’s chain smoking cigarettes outside the bar with a girl straight out of The Craft while swaying in the wind like one of those wind sock monsters you see outside of a car dealership.  The Drunk is the first to pass out at the bar, leading to the mandatory “fuck with the passed out guy” photos and typically suffers from the worst hangover the next day.

Scarecrow  (Dark Ops)

Much like Two Face, Scarecrow is not somewhat of a forgotten man in the group.  He’s not boisterous or drooling over some stripper named Bambee at 4 in the afternoon.  No the Scarecrow is the guy who begins boozing at night only really and when he reaches his perfect level of inebriation he slinks off into the night Irish goodbye-ing everyone.  And once he’s off on his own his goal is to get back to the hotel bar to hit on the dregs of the night or to grab the late night food before calling up the girl whose number he got at the first bar of the night, but didn’t tell anyone.  In the morning though he’s exposed and everyone has a good laugh at his expense.

Alfred  (The Married Guy)

I know Alfred wasn’t married in Batman, but he might as well have been.  Now other people on the trip might be married as well, but he’s the one whose been married the longest.  This is guy who aides in shouldering the responsibility of keeping the group from going off the tracks.  He’ll shake his head at a minimum of 42 times of course of the trip while saying, “I’m too old for this.”  The married guy is also most likely to pack it in before everyone else because the last time he was up at 2 AM it was because of feeding time.  And when he is served his first bear fight or Fireball he’s puzzled and has to ask someone,  “What kind of shot is this?”

Commissioner Gordon  (The Shepherd)

After the bachelor the commish may be the most important member to the event’s success.  He’s takes on the impossible task of keeping everyone together, getting to the planned events on time, making sure everyone paid for dinner, collected their credit cards, and other things of that nature.  He’ll pull back on the boozing so that he can track everyone, which is out of the question, because it would be the equivalent of letting 12 children loose at Disney World giving them a 30 minute head start and then trying to track down each one.  Not only will the shepherd indulge himself less than the others, he’ll also stay out as late as the group wants making sure everyone gets back to the hotel or home safely, especially the bachelor.  After the bachelor he is the real American hero of the weekend.


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