The last two weeks of The Bachelorette have moved at a glacial pace. With the number of Twitter checks reaching a few dozen it’s fair to say the show isn’t holding my complete attention. Beyond a well staged fight between J.J. and Clint there has been about as much suspense and intrigue as a 12th viewing of Mr. Holland’s Opus.
Full disclosure: I kinda enjoy Mr. Holland’s Opus for three reasons. One, I’m a sap. I freely admit this. Two, I enjoy just about any movie centered around a high school. And three, I’m a sucker for movies that span a long length of time.
See, 40 words in and I’m already going off on a tangent about a Richard Dreyfus movie from the 90s. On to the power ranking for this past week’s not so dramatic episode…..
30. Times Square
In any and all power rankings if Times Square is an option it should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS finish last. I love New York. I want to live there, but Times Square is neon turd fire. And if you want to debate the greatness of Times Square with me there is no need cause I’ll pretend I don’t know you till my last breathe.
29. Jared’s Razor
If not for Guy Fieri’s hell scape being an option Jared’s total disregard for his patchy facial hair would rank last. I didn’t know hair could grow like that, or should I say grow/not grow/grow extra/be baby-skin soft. Are a couple guys in the house having a bit of fun at Jared’s expense and rubbing spots on his face with Nair while he sleeps? Is he shaving with a Nutter Butter? Is there some rare disease like color blindness where Jared can’t see hair? An homage to Keanu? How one man can have so little facial follicle awareness may break my brain. AND I LIKE JARED. Can’t one producer slip a Dollar Shave Club box under his door? If he insists on facial hair is there a Bosley For Men that is specifically for facial hair? This benefits all parties involved.
28 & 27. Two Bad Hairstyles One Dude
Sticking with grooming issues, take a gander at Justin’s hair. For the record I had to look his name up. I refer to Justin as “Butt-Cut” or “Vacant Eyes.” He has found a way to take one incredibly shitty hairstyle and TURN INTO A SECOND ONE. I was once a champion of the butt-cut. But that was in the 90s when JTT and Sean Hunter made it fashionable. What makes Justin’s ‘do even worse is it’s a little longer in front and shaved in the back, so it kind of looks like he’s going for the old T-Boz haircut, which worked quite well on her during the CrazySexyCool days, but does not work well on our contestant. And then for some inexplicable reason during the rap battle Justin swept all of his hair to one side exposing the shaved part underneath.
He also holds the mic like he’s picking up a dirty diaper. We get at least one more week of this jabroni and his hair because he got the group date rose. I can’t believe it.
26. Doug E. Fresh & The Rap Battle
As a friend of mine brought up, is it really fair to call Doug E. Fresh a hip hop icon? Can he really be grouped with Kanye, Jay-Z, Dr. Dre, The Roots, etc? Shouldn’t he have to turn in his hip hop icon card after his 6th reality television show appearance? There needs to be rules and regulations to this. It’s too important.
As for the rap battle, it may be more accurately called an amateur slam poetry read-off. I can’t remember the last time I got so little entertainment out of something that wasn’t directed by M. Night.
25. My weak will and mediocre social life
If either of these were stronger I wouldn’t have to discuss number 24.
24. The Whispers
ABC hooked me in with their bombardment of The Whispers promos. Nothing freaks me out more than possessed children. In any movie when a kid is talking to a doll, a ghost, or some super-natural being I freak the fuck out. Paradoxically, I enjoy television shows and movies that freak me out. So I’m now two episodes deep into The Whispers staring that guy from Heroes and Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. This is my life.
What a hard on. The only reason he is ranked this high is because I got a good laugh when the cameras caught a half dozen different confused looks on his face. See above.
22. The Britt & Brady After Show
I’m happy the two found love and can bond over wearing all black. I really am. But Brady is not someone I need to learn anymore about. I’d rather discuss the 2016 elections with a watermelon rind for a week than hang out with Brady and his ukulele for two hours.
21. “Cupcake” Chris and Kaitlyn’s Sexual Chemistry
Am I the only one watching the show this closely? Nobody answer that…. Kaitlyn has sampled the brood of men vying for her heart with regularity, and does a fairly good job of making each kiss look romcom quality. But she was not able to pull this off with Chris. It was more peck on the mouth than tongue action and she was almost pulling away instantly. Compare the Chris kiss to her kiss with Nick. She had been face to face with Nick only slightly longer than I’ve been face to face with Gisele and she had better body language and chemistry with Nick than she did with her Broadway co-star. I’m sure Kaitlyn thinks Chris is a great guy, but his days with a rose on his lapel are numbered.
I’d have a hard time getting into a helicopter. Maybe I’m scarred from watching Dr. Romano get tortured by them for years on ER, but fuck helicopters. I’m not putting my life in the hands of four blades welded to a Smart Car.
19-11. The JV Team
There is the varsity team of Shawn B, Jared, Ben Z, and Ben H. Nick is the transfer student who can’t be placed just yet. And then there is the junior varsity squad of Tanner, Ryan B, Justin, Joshua, Jonathan, Joe, Ian, Corey, and Chris. It’s pretty clear barring some 2014 Britt-esque meltdown from a frontrunner none of these guys are getting moved up to the v-neck varsity. If ABC didn’t have to drag this out she could put the entire JV group on the subway with plane tickets to Telum for the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise. I’m terrible remembering anyone’s name on these shows so here is how I refer to them.
Tanner – Shares a bizarre name with my best friend. Also big shout to Tanner and his Bachelor knowledge. He was just spewing facts about Nick like some Bachelor historian. I was also certain at the end of his soliloquy about Nick he was going to order a Code Red a la Col. Nathan Jessup from A Few Good Men.
Ryan B – Looks like he could be in Spandau Ballet
Justin – Butt-cut
Joshua – Welder
Jonathan – The black guy
Joe – There is a Joe on this show?
Ian – Accident Ian
Corey – Guy who looks like he could be related to Mark Long from Real World/Road Rules Challenge
Chris – Cupcake
J.J. remains a total nut sack, but ahead of the rest of the JV team because he’s become a producer’s pick by being a pot stir-er, which leads me to……..
9. The Clint & J.J. Feud
The verbal sparing and acting job by the two bros has been the highlight of the season so far. They executed their bromance/villain/back-stab flawlessly. It’s a mortal lock they see each other again on Bachelor in Paradise. Their storyline is the closest the Bachelor franchise is ever going to get to recreating the iconic Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale friendship from The Wire. It was perfect. Instead of playing out over three seasons it was played out over three episodes. They formed a bond, were hated by all those around them, and then when shit got real one backstabbed the other, because “it’s just business.” Their needs to be a Best Acting in a Reality Show category added to the Emmys and Golden Globes.
I don’t know what to make of Nick yet. He got serious face time during the “This Season On” trailer so I’m thinking he’ll be around for a while, but I still don’t see him on one knee at the end of the season. The 8 spot seems appropriate for now.
7. Chris Harrison
Yep, I’m putting the beloved Chris Harrison in the 7th spot. He’s been an absentee love shepherd this season. Where is Chris to give Kaitlyn the big brother voice we’ve all come to expect on The Bachelorette? These guys are dropping mortars into Kaitlyn’s lap and Harrison isn’t available to help her diffuse the situations. I need more from Chris in 2015.
6. Shawn B
I wanted to put Shawn higher, but with the way he caked himself upon hearing the news Nick was joining the flock gave me pause. Love is a battlefield Shawn. Both Pat Benatar and Jordin Sparks have told us that. He may have too weak of a constitution to make it to the end of this journey.
As I said before, I like Jared for the long haul. He’s on the younger side, which may be a negative for Kaitlyn, but he did strong work on the Met/helicopter date. He’s dealing with shitty facial hair, a concussion, and a fucked up eye but still remains one of Kaitlyn’s favorites.
4. The Bens (Ben Z. & Ben H.)
There is absolute lust in Kaitlyn’s eyes when she sees Ben Z. He’s big on the thigh touching. If I could place a bet at a Vegas sports book on who Kaitlyn has sexual congress with I’d place it on Ben Z. Horrendous tattoos aside I like Ben Z’s odds to win this thing.
As for Ben H. I’m putting him in a tie with Ben Z. because they’ve been slow to tell his story, which is a good sign he’ll be on the show for a while. Ben H. also has major Bachelor potential.
Kaitlyn is in the 3 hole because she still isn’t as fun as she was last season on The Bachelor. Dudes fleeing the house as if they just found out she has crabs can’t help her confidence, but I’m hoping once the group of guys is whittled down we’ll get fun Kaitlyn back.
Aladdin still rules. Pixar movies look like the flip book I made in the corners of my 8th grade math textbook compared to Aladdin and the other animated Disney movies of the 90s. If I ever get married you better believe I’ll do everything in my power to have Peabo Bryson lead the band. Peabo is the songbird for children of the 1990s. You know what happens when you go to his Wikipedia page? A white light just starts shining out of your computer. He’s that good at crooning. The man shared a stage with Celine Dion, and held it down. He’s also one of like five people in the entire world that can pull off the turtle neck blazer combo. There may be more snow leopards on the planet than men who can rock that look with confidence.