The Most Dramatic Power Rankings

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I’m sure everyone at Tiger Inn or Cap & Gown is really jazzed to have Ian on The Bachelorette

Welcome back to another installment of The Most Dramatic Power Rankings.  Somehow there are still 12 guys left vying for Kaitlyn’s heart.  This week we saw more bad performances, a particularly poor attitude from one of the guys, and Jared’s terrible stubble has made a not so celebrated comeback.  Lets get into it…..

30.  The New York Mets & Citi Field

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The Mets suck.  Citi Field sucks.  The Phillies will be back.  It may not be until MLB has to institute rules banning A.I. robots from participating in the league, but the Phillies will be back someday.  Can someone PLEASE fire Ruben Amaro?  Can I fire him?  Why isn’t this trending on Twitter daily?

29.  Ian

Holy shit!  What an asshole.  It’s not often you see a bro in the house become less likable than the member of the house who is actively trying to be the villain (J.J.).  But Ian managed to pull that off with 2013/2014 Lebron-ish efficiency.  His Bachelorette PER (Prick Efficiency Rating) is through the mother.fucking. roof.

I have to give Ian a little credit for being able to read between the rose petals, but there are better ways to go out than giving a stump speech to be the 2015 Bachelor only to follow it up by attempting to utterly humiliate Kaitlyn on national television with some rehearsed one-liners.  What Ian did reminded me of Mouse’s death in the first Matrix.  Holy Neo that’s a dated and nerdy reference, but watch the clip below and you’ll see what I’m talking about.

Here’ a smattering of Ian’s comments through the last third of the show when he decided what his vision of going out “on top” would look like.

“She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”

Booboo, Kaitlyn is pretty attractive and if you have to say that than it probably isn’t true.

“Princeton grad, former model, defied death and been around the world a couple of times.”

Is he required by law to say “former model” when he is balding?  Also defying death and going to Princeton sound a lot cooler when they’re not brought up by the person who accomplished those things.

“I have a lot of sex in my own life.”

Again much less likely if you feel the need to say this out-loud.

“Who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.”

A)  Who talks about themselves like that?

B)  You know what happens when you’re done unwrapping Ian?  He flips you the bird, calls you fat and stiffs you with the bill.

“It’s really difficult for me hanging around a group of guys that just making fart jokes, making poop jokes, making sex jokes.”

This is how I know Ian would be no friend of mine.  I’m in my 30s and still love poop, fart, and sex jokes.  My friends still enjoy them as well.  Sorry I’m not sorry for not wanting to read Chaucer and discuss the election in the New Jersey 4th all the time.  Ian might be the friend that just stresses the rest of the group out for no particular reason.

My theory on Ian, I don’t think he was super upset about receiving so little attention from Kaitlyn.  I think he was more upset that he didn’t win the Aladdin competition and then blew the mariachi sing-off.  So instead of going through another week of potential shaming himself during a performance Ian decided he was taking his ball and going home.

28.  The Rose Ceremony

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Woah.  Wow.  Didn’t see that one coming.  Corey, Jonathan, AND Ryan B all went home?  I’ve spent more time contemplating the notes of a bottle of Kendal Jackson Chardonnay than trying to decide who was going to get the axe this week.  THAT’S RIGHT BABY WE GOT WINE JOKES THIS WEEK!  I’m not all fart and poop jokes Ian.

27.  Beer In A Wine Glass

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Tanner…..  We’ll give you a moment to say your goodbyes to the group.

26.  The “Nobody in the house likes/trusts…..” Move

After opting for a haircut over making out (I’ll get to that in a moment) Josh pulled the Bachelor/Bachelorette suicide move.  You NEVER EVER EVER take the girl/guy aside and say the words “Nobody in the house trusts X.  I’m just looking out for you.”  This never works.  The move has a 100% fail rate.  Josh may as well have taken a heater in the middle of the group date and wiped himself with his vest (Sorry for the poop joke Ian).

Ashley I. attempted this last season with Kelsey and Chris Soules left her in the desert with the coyotes and Kelsey.  I’m not sure which is the more dangerous creature in that scenario.  The best part of Josh’s attempt was he realized half way through it was a terrible idea and even said, “Ohhh this is bad.”  That slayed me.

25.  The Dates & Production Budget

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Dear ABC, is it possible to increase the budget of the show to a level that exceeds a high school production of Damn Yankees?  And who is planning these group dates?  Tony the healer was a whack job, but I agree with the man.  Why can’t everyone just go to the zoo for a day?  I don’t need anymore performances from this group.  No mas.

24.  The Haircut

I’ve had my hair cut by friends before, and I always looked at it as if they were doing me a favor.  Never did I think of it as a way to get a girl to like me.  There is really nothing sexual about a haircut.  The pre-cut shampooing at one of those mens salons?  Sure.  That back room with the sink may as well be a lap dance room, but the haircut itself? That is a no.

Here’s my second theory of the week.  Josh didn’t come up with this hair brained (see what I did there?  Another non poop joke Ian!) idea on his own.  One of the producers put him up to it.  Why, because that same producer has serious money riding on a different guy and wanted another contestant for Kaitlyn’s love eliminated.  If that seems far fetched to you, try to convince me that these guys don’t sit around and gamble on who is going to win while they are filming.

23.  My social life

Still stuck in the dregs at the moment.  There is a bachelor party and a couple weddings in the future, so there is some potential upside.  Buy the stock now.

22.  San Antonio

I’ve never been to San Antonio so maybe this isn’t fair, but it isn’t a city I’m dying to visit.  If traveling to that part of the country why not just go to Austin?  San Antonio is home of the Spurs, the Alamo, and a lazy river they attempted to class up by calling it a River Walk.  What is the slogan for San Antonio?  “Come to San Antonio!  Beat the hell out of El Paso.”

21-16.  The JV-Necks (Chris, Josh, Tanner, Justin, Joe, J.J.)

I'll use any reason to get Justin's hair into a post

I’ll use any reason to get Justin’s hair into a post

I’m moving J.J. into this group.  He’s done some sort of reverse heel-turn and gone from being an agitator to just blending into the background.  It’s kind of genius.  He isn’t going win, but J.J. will outlast all the other JV-Neck squad members and get some potentially cool trips out of it.

15.  The First Hug

Every time the group of bros meets Kaitlyn someone goes in for the first hug.  This season it’s typically been Justin.  I can’t decide if this is a power move or if it looks over eager and desperate.  I need help with this.  Are there any advanced analytics that shed some light on this?  Please help.

14.  Chris Harrison

Yep.  Chris’ status on the show is in free fall.  He is nowhere to be found.  If I had basic photoshop skills and could put his face on a milk carton I would.

13.  Using Lame as a noun

I’ve already discussed my feeling on Ian ad nauseam, but thumbs up to Ian for using lame as a noun when describing the guys in the house.  Here is the quote, “If one of these lames is better than me, pick one of the lames.”

I’m stealing this and using it without giving any credit to Ian.

12.  The Return of the Discman

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I can’t believe they still use Discman in San Antonio.  I only thought hipsters used them at this point.  Has the iPod not made its way to south Texas yet?

11.  Mariachi Pants

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Mariachi pants or Michael Jackson’s pants from the Bad Tour.  You be the judge.

10.  Shawn B.

This is more of a prediction pick.  He did a decent job dancing the line on the Nick subject with Kaitlyn, but he also called her dumb.  Not a good idea if you are trying to win a girl’s heart.  Shawn needs to stop dwelling on the Nick addition.  He needs to find some tunnel vision and confidence.

9.  Making Out In A Truck Bed

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This shot is straight out of a Michael Bay movie.  Only thing missing is the American flag.  Good.  Work. ABC.

I couldn’t find a compilation of Michael Bay movie make out scenes, but here is a video of some guy explaining “Bayhem.”  Has this phrase been around for a while?  We need more Bayhem in reality tv.  Fuck it.  I want more Bayhem in all aspects of life.

This will have to do…

8.  The Canoe/Fireworks Date

Big fan of this.  Waaaay over the top, but still a fan.  Making out in a canoe is difficult work.  Again, bravo ABC.

7.  Jared

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Only guy this week to get a horizontal make out.  20 points Scruffindor.

6.  Ben Z

Ben Z. took a back seat this week in terms of advancing his narrative.  However, he expertly threw Josh under the bus when Josh was looking for anyone else to confirm that they were wary of Nick and his intentions.

5.  Ben H

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Has he already started shooting his Bachelor promos?  Or is Ian suing ABC to be the next Bachelor and slowing things down?

4.  Nick

So I have an issue with the Nick addition.  He’s already gone pro.  Nick has a leg up on everyone else because he’s already played the game.  At one point he even talks about the stately needed for the group dates.  For future seasons the Bachelor/Bachelorette may need to add an Olympic type rule that only allows amateurs to participate.

3.  Kaitlyn

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Kaitlyn got some of her swagger back this week.  She had a home field advantage on the date with Ben H. since it took place on a dance floor, which was needed.  And I’m hoping this face sums up how she deals with that balding undercarriage Ian.

2.  Love

Love is taking a small step back this week because….

1.  The Teaser Trailer For Next Week

This could all amount to nothing more than some ABC editing chicanery, but they did tease Kaitlyn and someone doing the ultimate next week. This is the only thing on television right now that could trump my love of Ballers on HBO.

So far I’m not hooked on Ray Velcero, an impotent Riggins (Did anyone else notice that Viagra pill was the size of a coaster?) or Rachel McAdams’ haunted past.  Right now it’s just a two man race for the best show on television and mid-season grown up action on the Bachelorette could put it over the top.


The Most Dramatic Power Rankings

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The last two weeks of The Bachelorette have moved at a glacial pace.  With the number of Twitter checks reaching a few dozen it’s fair to say the show isn’t holding my complete attention.  Beyond a well staged fight between J.J. and Clint there has been about as much suspense and intrigue as a 12th viewing of Mr. Holland’s Opus.

Full disclosure:  I kinda enjoy Mr. Holland’s Opus for three reasons.  One, I’m a sap.  I freely admit this.  Two, I enjoy just about any movie centered around a high school.  And three, I’m a sucker for movies that span a long length of time.

See, 40 words in and I’m already going off on a tangent about a Richard Dreyfus movie from the 90s.  On to the power ranking for this past week’s not so dramatic episode…..

30.  Times Square

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In any and all power rankings if Times Square is an option it should ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS finish last.  I love New York.  I want to live there, but Times Square is neon turd fire.  And if you want to debate the greatness of Times Square with me there is no need cause I’ll pretend I don’t know you till my last breathe.

29.  Jared’s Razor

If not for Guy Fieri’s hell scape being an option Jared’s total disregard for his patchy facial hair would rank last.  I didn’t know hair could grow like that, or should I say grow/not grow/grow extra/be baby-skin soft.  Are a couple guys in the house having a bit of fun at Jared’s expense and rubbing spots on his face with Nair while he sleeps?  Is he shaving with a Nutter Butter?  Is there some rare disease like color blindness where Jared can’t see hair?  An homage to Keanu?   How one man can have so little facial follicle awareness may break my brain.  AND I LIKE JARED.  Can’t one producer slip a Dollar Shave Club box under his door?  If he insists on facial hair is there a Bosley For Men that is specifically for facial hair?  This benefits all parties involved.

28 & 27.  Two Bad Hairstyles One Dude

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Sticking with grooming issues, take a gander at Justin’s hair.  For the record I had to look his name up.  I refer to Justin as “Butt-Cut” or “Vacant Eyes.” He has found a way to take one incredibly shitty hairstyle and TURN INTO A SECOND ONE.  I was once a champion of the butt-cut.  But that was in the 90s when JTT and Sean Hunter made it fashionable.  What makes Justin’s ‘do even worse is it’s a little longer in front and shaved in the back, so it kind of looks like he’s going for the old T-Boz haircut, which worked quite well on her during the CrazySexyCool days, but does not work well on our contestant.  And then for some inexplicable reason during the rap battle Justin swept all of his hair to one side exposing the shaved part underneath.

He also holds the mic like he’s picking up a dirty diaper.  We get at least one more week of this jabroni and his hair because he got the group date rose.  I can’t believe it.

26.  Doug E. Fresh & The Rap Battle

As a friend of mine brought up, is it really fair to call Doug E. Fresh a hip hop icon?  Can he really be grouped with Kanye, Jay-Z, Dr. Dre, The Roots, etc?  Shouldn’t he have to turn in his hip hop icon card after his 6th reality television show appearance?  There needs to be rules and regulations to this.  It’s too important.

As for the rap battle, it may be more accurately called an amateur slam poetry read-off.  I can’t remember the last time I got so little entertainment out of something that wasn’t directed by M. Night.

25.  My weak will and mediocre social life

If either of these were stronger I wouldn’t have to discuss number 24.

24.  The Whispers

ABC hooked me in with their bombardment of The Whispers promos.  Nothing freaks me out more than possessed children.  In any movie when a kid is talking to a doll, a ghost, or some super-natural being I freak the fuck out.  Paradoxically, I enjoy television shows and movies that freak me out.  So I’m now two episodes deep into The Whispers staring that guy from Heroes and Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.  This is my life.

23.  Clint

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What a hard on.  The only reason he is ranked this high is because I got a good laugh when the cameras caught a half dozen different confused looks on his face.  See above.

22.  The Britt & Brady After Show

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I’m happy the two found love and can bond over wearing all black.  I really am.  But Brady is not someone I need to learn anymore about.  I’d rather discuss the 2016 elections with a watermelon rind for a week than hang out with Brady and his ukulele for two hours.

21. “Cupcake” Chris and Kaitlyn’s Sexual Chemistry

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Am I the only one watching the show this closely?  Nobody answer that….  Kaitlyn has sampled the brood of men vying for her heart with regularity, and does a fairly good job of making each kiss look romcom quality.  But she was not able to pull this off with Chris.  It was more peck on the mouth than tongue action and she was almost pulling away instantly.  Compare the Chris kiss to her kiss with Nick.  She had been face to face with Nick only slightly longer than I’ve been face to face with Gisele and she had better body language and chemistry with Nick than she did with her Broadway co-star.  I’m sure Kaitlyn thinks Chris is a great guy, but his days with a rose on his lapel are numbered.

20.  Helicopters

I’d have a hard time getting into a helicopter.  Maybe I’m scarred from watching Dr. Romano get tortured by them for years on ER, but fuck helicopters.  I’m not putting my life in the hands of four blades welded to a Smart Car.

19-11. The JV Team

There is the varsity team of Shawn B, Jared, Ben Z, and Ben H.  Nick is the transfer student who can’t be placed just yet.  And then there is the junior varsity squad of Tanner, Ryan B, Justin, Joshua, Jonathan, Joe, Ian, Corey, and Chris.  It’s pretty clear barring some 2014 Britt-esque meltdown from a frontrunner none of these guys are getting moved up to the v-neck varsity.  If ABC didn’t have to drag this out she could put the entire JV group on the subway with plane tickets to Telum for the upcoming season of Bachelor in Paradise.  I’m terrible remembering anyone’s name on these shows so here is how I refer to them.

Tanner – Shares a bizarre name with my best friend.  Also big shout to Tanner and his Bachelor knowledge.  He was just spewing facts about Nick like some Bachelor historian. I was also certain at the end of his soliloquy about Nick he was going to order a Code Red a la Col. Nathan Jessup from A Few Good Men.

Ryan B – Looks like he could be in Spandau Ballet

Justin – Butt-cut

Joshua – Welder

Jonathan – The black guy

Joe – There is a Joe on this show?

Ian – Accident Ian

Corey – Guy who looks like he could be related to Mark Long from Real World/Road Rules Challenge

Chris – Cupcake

10.  J.J.

J.J. remains a total nut sack, but ahead of the rest of the JV team because he’s become a producer’s pick by being a pot stir-er, which leads me to……..

9.  The Clint & J.J. Feud

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The verbal sparing and acting job by the two bros has been the highlight of the season so far.  They executed their bromance/villain/back-stab flawlessly.  It’s a mortal lock they see each other again on Bachelor in Paradise.  Their storyline is the closest the Bachelor franchise is ever going to get to recreating the iconic Stringer Bell and Avon Barksdale friendship from The Wire.  It was perfect.  Instead of playing out over three seasons it was played out over three episodes.  They formed a bond, were hated by all those around them, and then when shit got real one backstabbed the other, because “it’s just business.”  Their needs to be a Best Acting in a Reality Show category added to the Emmys and Golden Globes.

8.  Nick

I don’t know what to make of Nick yet.  He got serious face time during the “This Season On” trailer so I’m thinking he’ll be around for a while, but I still don’t see him on one knee at the end of the season.  The 8 spot seems appropriate for now.

7.  Chris Harrison

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Yep, I’m putting the beloved Chris Harrison in the 7th spot.  He’s been an absentee love shepherd this season.  Where is Chris to give Kaitlyn the big brother voice we’ve all come to expect on The Bachelorette?  These guys are dropping mortars into Kaitlyn’s lap and Harrison isn’t available to help her diffuse the situations.  I need more from Chris in 2015.

6.  Shawn B

I wanted to put Shawn higher, but with the way he caked himself upon hearing the news Nick was joining the flock gave me pause.  Love is a battlefield Shawn.  Both Pat Benatar and Jordin Sparks have told us that.  He may have too weak of a constitution to make it to the end of this journey.

5.  Jared

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As I said before, I like Jared for the long haul.  He’s on the younger side, which may be a negative for Kaitlyn, but he did strong work on the Met/helicopter date. He’s dealing with shitty facial hair, a concussion, and a fucked up eye but still remains one of Kaitlyn’s favorites.

4.  The Bens (Ben Z. & Ben H.)

There is absolute lust in Kaitlyn’s eyes when she sees Ben Z.  He’s big on the thigh touching.  If I could place a bet at a Vegas sports book on who Kaitlyn has sexual congress with I’d place it on Ben Z.  Horrendous tattoos aside I like Ben Z’s odds to win this thing.

As for Ben H. I’m putting him in a tie with Ben Z. because they’ve been slow to tell his story, which is a good sign he’ll be on the show for a while.  Ben H. also has major Bachelor potential.

3.  Kaitlyn

Kaitlyn is in the 3 hole because she still isn’t as fun as she was last season on The Bachelor. Dudes fleeing the house as if they just found out she has crabs can’t help her confidence, but I’m hoping once the group of guys is whittled down we’ll get fun Kaitlyn back.

2.  Aladdin

Aladdin still rules.  Pixar movies look like the flip book I made in the corners of my 8th grade math textbook compared to  Aladdin and the other animated Disney movies of the 90s.  If I ever get married you better believe I’ll do everything in my power to have Peabo Bryson lead the band.  Peabo is the songbird for children of the 1990s.  You know what happens when you go to his Wikipedia page?  A white light just starts shining out of your computer.  He’s that good at crooning.  The man shared a stage with Celine Dion, and held it down.  He’s also one of like five people in the entire world that can pull off the turtle neck blazer combo.  There may be more snow leopards on the planet than men who can rock that look with confidence.

1.  LOVE


The Most Dramatic Recap

Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 4.01.36 PMI’m making my own dramatic return to recapping the The Bachelor/Bachelorette series.  I know an eager nation awaits my thoughts on all things Kaitlyn, Britt, and love related.   And you may think as a 30 something single male I’d be embarrassed to parade my enjoyment for the show across the internet, but that isn’t the case. The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Paradise franchise is the best of reality television.  It’s not dark like the any of the Real Housewives series and it is infinitely more entertaining than watching Adam Lavine strut around an L.A. studio for two hours pouring dumpsters full of praise onto amateur singing talent in-between witty banter with Blake Shelton.  Now to get into last weeks episode.

The Villain Reveals Himself

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I don’t know J.J.  But I KNOW J.J.  I’m from the East Coast.  I went to lacrosse camps and prep school.  J.J. may not be from the east coast and he may not have played lacrosse in college, but he fits that stereotype perfectly.  I imagine some of this is an act.  The villain is going get more airtime and most likely an invite to Telum for Bachelor in Paradise.  J.J. is playing the game, but to willingly take on that role you have to be a bit of a dick.  And after some thought I realized who J.J. is.  He’s a modern day Gaston from Beauty & the Beast.  Seriously think about it.  If a studio was remaking Beauty & the Beast set in 2015 NYC Gaston would be an investment banker at JP Morgan that played lax at UVA.  Can’t you just picture him singing the Gaston song in the Murray Hill’s Brother Jimmy’s while wearing peach Bonobos, a white Polo shirt and his needlepoint Deerfield belt?  Anyway THAT’S J.J.  He’s a hand-job.  He’s Gaston.

They Forgot The Funny

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All the bros bombed on the stand-up date.  And that’s fair given how hard stand-up is, but at the same time did anyone expect anything different from a group of guys that are the target audience for the Point Break remake?  So instead of making fun of them I encourage you to watch this video of Kid Rock performing at the Kennedy Center Honors.  It’s more entertaining than any part of the stand-up date.  The payoff is at the 2:17 when the camera cuts to a dancing Jack Nicholson.

Actual Boxing!

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Every single one of those fights on the show last week was more entertaining than the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight.  How depressing is that as a sports fan?  An investment banker, software salesman, restaurant manager, fashion designer, auto finance manager (whatever the fuck that is),  fitness trainer, and a couple of entrepreneurs were a better fight card than the “fight of the century.”  Jared and his patchy facial hair gave it his all before getting put to sleep by Ben Z’s right arm with the questionable tattoo.  Can Manny say that?  Nope!  My one gripe with the boxing date, the producers should have made all the Bachlorette bros fight in deep Vs and True Religion jeans. Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 4.26.22 PM

These guys weren’t even fighting over a rose guarantee or extra one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.  They were fighting for pride and that mediocre belt in the photo above.  Although to be honest I would probably take HGH if it guaranteed me taking home that belt.  I NEED that hanging in my room.  I’ve already got an eBay alert on for it.

Kupah’s Meltdown

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Before Kupah descended into Crazyville, he brought up a point that is worth noting about the show saying that he didn’t want to be on the show if he was just fulfilling the color quota.  And considering the shows history it fair for him to question that.  The Bachelor franchise is cotillion class white.  About three episodes into each season the most color you are going get on the show is coming from a contestant’s ghastly tattoo decision.  So Kupah was certainly right to ask why he was still on the show if he didn’t think there was any connection between him and Kaitlyn.

The trouble for Kupah though, other than wearing suspenders as a butt accessory and not to keep his pants up, is everything he said after questioning the racial politics of the show. After Kaitlyn asked Kupah to leave the house, his opening salvo involved cursing at Kaitlyn.  When that didn’t work, he followed it up by saying he didn’t want to go home and then as a last ditch effort tried to reconnect with Kaitlyn over movie quotes and sweatpants.  Kaitlyn still gave Kupah the Heisman pose, but Kupah didn’t leave before aggressively walking toward the camera during his exit interview.

I don’t know where this would rank in reality television meltdowns over love, but I do know it isn’t number one.  That distinction still goes to David from Real World Seattle.  For those that forget (weird), David, the military school beefcake with a thick Boston accent, struck up an illicit relationship with one of the talent coordinators at MTV.  Kirah, the MTV employee, lost her job and then flew out to see David while the show was filming in Seattle.  Things didn’t work out between the two of them and David pleaded his case to Kirah, while the MTV cameras caught every embarrassing word that came catapulting out of David’s mouth.  It’s must watch television.

Going Home Predictions:

Daniel (Bizarro Ed Norton) & Ryan B (There is nothing distinguishable about him)

Winner Prediction:

Joe (The guy with the big hair)

Is This Heaven? No….. It’s Iowa!

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Buckle up and welcome to a four hour Bachelor marathon!  The only time in your life you’ll watch a group whose itinerary for the week involves going from Deadwood, South Dakota to Des Moines, Iowa with two stops in Arlington, Iowa.  And from there making stops in Shreveport, Louisiana, at a Chicago based fertility clinic, and behind a dumpster in Arizona.  We saw Chris stumble through his goodbye with three different women vying for his love.  We saw all that Arlington, Iowa had to offer, which included a boarded up market, a closed down bar, a coffee shop speakeasy, and the local reverend stooping while wearing a Call of Duty Ghosts t-shirt.  There was the Chris’ snooze of a date with Whitney, where I found myself more invested in the 245 viewing of the Flomax commercial proceeding the one-on-one than the date itself.  Jade exposed her secret about exposing herself for the big perverted bunny.  It was four hours of The Bachelor, and it felt like four hours of The Bachelor.

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I Ride With Kaitlyn

With only Kaitlyn, Becca, and Whitney left now is probably as good a time as any to play the game “Which Of These Things Doesn’t Belong.”  To Chris’ left is the Kentucky raised fertility nurse with a voice only an octave lower than Alvin and The Chipmunks.  To Chris’ right is his bayou princess who practices abstinence and the art of silence.  And in the middle the openly nuts tattooed rapper/dancer from Canada that drops an Anchorman reference with nobody there to appreciate it.  Kaitlyn not making it past next week is off the board in Vegas at this point.  She’s too much for Chris, and frankly she deserves better.  Everything I think about Kaitlyn is summed up in this Wedding Crashers clip, minus the belief she is a virgin.

5/2 our relationship ends in litigation over who gets to keep the waffle iron, but I’m willing to give it a shot.  Lets spin the chamber Kaitlyn.

The Collapse of Britt

Going into this week, outside of Britt’s porn tongue issue (my dear friend Courtney pointed out she kisses like a porn star, and she is 100% correct) the iridescent haired waitress looked like a strong pick for Chris’ corn fields and heart. Everyone watching the show had that feeling, but at the same time this week’s melt down almost seemed preordained.  Britt’s 2015 Bachelor season was actually quite similar to the 2014 Florida State Seminoles football team.  Both spent a majority of their season as a favorite, neither was liked or well respected by their peers, they both had the look of a champion on the surface, and yet there was this constant suspicion that when the competition and the stakes got turned up, they’d answer with a catastrophic performance.  And when Britt’s makeup and heart cracked there was no holding back the avalanche of tears, sobs, and fake eyelashes leaving Chris with no choice but to send her to the both literal and figurative showers.

My advice to the once leader of the pack, Britt take a second shower.  Or a third.  Or maybe eight.  Think of how many hours you’ve been traveling, sweating out rose ceremonies and at Big & Rich shows.  It isn’t just the smell of defeat stinging your nostrils.  So after you wipe the tears and let your face breath for a minute, reapply and begin preparing for your triumphant return on Bachelor in Paradise.

Chris Quotes

Did anyone else hear our strong jawed denizen of the husks gaze across his plot of crops and wistfully say “Land is one of my passions”?  If he followed that up with a cry of “I love lamp,” was anybody going be surprised?

Fire Roger Goodell

The NFL is under siege. Outside the walls Roger Goodell can hear his detractors at the doors, the windows, from the roof, and from the basement demanding his removal as commissioner of the NFL. He has now made enemies of the female advocacy groups, children’s advocacy groups, the NFLPA, sponsors, media outlets, and his league’s own fan base. And if that isn’t enough Goodell is still dealing with rampant PED use in his league, the FCC, and a concussion problem. Despite being at odds on so many fronts Goodell’s confidence in himself and the league remain intact. But if the 32 owners want their league to remain viable into the next few decades they’ll find a replacement for the NFL’s current commissioner.

At the forefront of Goodell’s miriad of problems is his handling of Ray Rice’s suspension. Whether or not Roger Goodell saw the tape of Ray Rice and his fiancé remains unanswered. What is clear though is Roger Goodell’s total lack of foresight and his inability to adjust to the changing climate around his league. Goodell missed the hints of a changing landscape last year, when the public and media called for Richie Incognito’s dismisal from the Dolphins, and preceded to execute Ray Rice’s punishment with a business as usual attitude.

Instead of recognizing the public’s heated reaction to the original video of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious, then fiancé, out of a casino elevator and levying a more severe punishment on Rice, putting the ounus of defending Rice on the NFLPA he opted for a two game suspension of the Ravens running back. The move to give Rice a lengthy suspension isn’t chess. It’s hardly checkers. It’s tic-tac-toe, and Goodell missed it.

Goodell’s obtuse decision making skills aren’t entirely his fault though. He started his NFL career while Pete Rozelle was commissionor and began to rise up the ranks while his predecessor Paul Taglibue was head of the NFL. As Louisa Thomas at Grantland pointed out, NFL players and run-ins with the law are nothing new. Goodell watched while Taglibue handed out minimal punishments to players like Leonard Little, who killed a woman while driving intoxicated, or Ray Lewis who was charged with obstruction of justice during an investigation of a double murder. There were dozens of DUI arrests, domestic violence charges, and weapons charges all under Taglibue’s watch and we,the public, said nothing. We just demanded more football.

Even during Goodell’s tenure as commissioner starting in 2006 the public didn’t jump down his throat for failing to properly discipline domestic violence abusers like Michael Pittman, and a repeated criminal offender like Adam “Pacman” Jones. We still demanded more football. So when it came time to discipline Ray Rice, Goodell pulled out the old commissioner’s playbook and handed out his two game suspension thinking, we would all once again ask for more football.

Something changed though and whether it be a copy of the video of Rice’s crime, the emergence of a more diversified media, the rise of social media, fan fatigue of NFL players committing crimes, or some combination of them all Goodell failed to recognize that the world around him had changed. It’s almost the equivalent of taking an American president from the 1800’s and putting in the Oval Office in 2014. Roger Goodell is a 1990’s commissioner in charge of a 2014 NFL. Goodell’s actions, or lack thereof, have proven he is too ill-equipped and uninformed to preserve the integrity of NFL.

Yet Roger Goodell’s 32 bosses remain by his side, at least publicly despite Goodell turning Ray Rice into the virtuous one. This shouldn’t shock anyone though. Much like Goodell the owners in Minnesota, Carolina, and Baltimore all failed to react before the tidal wave of public opinion crashed on their heads.

Goodell’s supporters point toward the enormous economic growth of the league while he has held the title of commissionor. But what those staunch Goodell backers have forgotten to ask themselves is whether or not the growth of the league’s bank account is due to Goodell and his vision or circumstances outside of the league offices control. Since Roger Goodell took over the television medium has changed drastically. With the increasing popularity of video on demand, DVR, and Netflix live television events, like sports, have become gold for the networks because in order to be part of the conversation you need to watch the event live leading to large ad dollars for the NFL. It is the demand for live programming that has led to the astronomical television deals with the NFL, not Roger Goodell.

In his eight years as commissioner what has Goodell done to grow the game of football? The only ideas to come out of the league office have been to lengthen the NFL Draft, expand the playoffs, lengthen the regular season schedule, play a handful of games in London, and greenlight the NFL’s involvement in the horrendous sports movie Draft Day. Not one thing to come out of Goodell’s office has led to growing the game of football. In factparticipation in youth football has gone down in recents years according to a November 2013 article published by ESPN.

And with football starting to show signs of eroding at the junior level, maybe Goodell and the NFL’s most greatest adversary is just off the horizon. Soccer. Amid the flurry of NFL stories a small, but substantial article was lost in the shuffle. According to Drake Davis, a 2016 football prospect with offers from Florida State, Miami, Virginia Tech, and Alabama has chosen to focus efforts on soccer, despite attending known high school football powerhouse Fork Union Military Academy. Maybe Drake Davis is an anomaly or maybe this is just the beginning.

The World Cup saw record numbers this year though. ESPN, Fox, and NBC are all covering soccer now including the MLS, English Premier League, and the Champions League. Soccer is conducive to the lifestyle of most sports fans in 2014. The action is constant and over in and hour and a half or two hours max. We can schedule a viewing in between going to the gym and picking up groceries. As an Ohio State alum and son of an Ohio native I never thought I’d become a fan of soccer. But low and behold this past Saturday I found myself watching Liverpool play Aston Villa once OSU had gone up 31–0 on Kent State.

Judging previous decisions made by the NFL and Roger Goodell I’d guess they don’t view soccer as any sort of threat to their league. Maybe the only trait more apparent than Goodell and the league’s lack of action in any and all matters is their hubris. The NFL’s arrogance is not so dissimilar from another major entity, the big banks on Wall Street, who watched the world around them crash in 2007 because they were too blinded by their own arrogance to believe that the housing market would ever go down. History has continued to teach us that no industry, empire, or individual is bullet proof. There is always the fall.

The sport of kings has all but vanished and America’s pastime has been put on life support. The end of the NFL and football in America may be inevitable, but if the NFL wants to remain relevant for as long as possible they’ll need to look beyond the six inches in front of their face. That change in attitude starts at the top.

It’s time to fire Roger Goodell.

Sixers Thoughts Heading Into The Draft

1) If Exum is the pick, RELAX

The NBA Draft is tonight.  After the season opener the trade deadline, the lottery selection and the draft were the only two days Sixers fans had circled on their calendar.  And for weeks now Sixers fans have just assumed that Wiggins was going be there at 3 after the Cavs took Embiid and the Bucks selected Parker.  Things changed after Embiid went under the knife.  Now Parker and Embiid are all but guaranteed to go 1/2 in some order.  After Parker proudly announced today that he had a promise from the Bucks he wouldn’t go below two there is little doubt who the first two picks will be now.  What this means for the Sixers is they’ll have to choose between the soft boned Embiid and the Australian import Dante Exum, whose game film is harder to find in the information age than my 1997 Radnor Rec League run to the title when America’s Funniest Home Videos was the closest thing we had to YouTube.

If Exum is the selection tonight his welcome to Philadelphia may be rivaled only by McNabb’s after Reid selected him over Ricky Williams despite the petition former Mayor and Governor Ed Rendell had going around Philadelphia.  Lets try not to have a repeat tonight Philadelphia.  McNabb worked out pretty well.  Exum is 18 years old and has been at the top of the draft boards all year.  He hasn’t made some meteoric rise since the combine or anything.  The chosen few that have seen him play have raved about him. So……..

Don’t Be Disappointed If The Pick Is Exum.

Does Sam Hinkie strike you as the kind of guy to make any decision without having all of the possible info?  I don’t know him, nor have I ever laid eyes on him, but I can assure you he isn’t going pull a Richie Kotite and base his analysis off an 8X10 glossy of Exum.

Here’s more Exum info.

Here’s Chad Ford (who knows more than any dingus talking on Philly radio) gushing to Bill Simmons about Exum and his potential.

And here (via DraftExpress) he is a year ago going against Team USA in the U19 games.  He’s going against Marcus Smart, Elfrid Payton, and Aaron Gordon among others.

Finally here he is at the Nike Hoop Summit last year against the same Team USA competition.

Last thing to keep in mind, Exum was born in 1995.  That means he was born after Friends debuted, after The Lion King was released, and after every kid like myself was peddling lemonade on a street corner to buy a Playstation.

2) Watch for the Sixers to acquire the 7th or 8th pick

The two teams currently selecting 7th and 8th are the Lakers and Kings.  The Lakers just endured there worst season in franchise history since  becoming the Los Angeles Lakers.  They had a couple abysmal seasons as the Minneapolis Lakers, but never have they had a worse win percentage than this past season.  This will only be the 8th time since the Lakers moved to Los Angeles in 1960 that they have won fewer than 40 games in a season.

With Kobe Bryant re-upping for two more years the Lakers are going want to make one last run with Bryant and his underbite at the helm.  Unfortunately for the Lakers when Bryant signed his new contract he pigged out on the Lakers available cap space.  Bryant will earn $23,500,000 this coming season despite playing only 6 games last year.  On top of Bryant’s preposterous contract the Lakers owe another $9,701,000 to Steve Nash’s NBA carcass, and they are on the hook for Bob Sacre’s $915,243.  They also owe Kendall Marshall $915,243 next season, however his salary isn’t guaranteed. So without counting Marshall that’s a total of $34,116,243 in guaranteed salary for next season.  The Lakers’ salary obligations don’t end there though.  All first round picks require a cap hold, and the cap hold for the 7th pick this year is $2,497,800.  That brings the Lakers salary obligations to $36,614,043.

That gives the Lakers four players on roster heading into the off season, which means they will have to take a roster charge into account.  Think of a roster charge like this, when you and your friends conduct your fantasy football draft on ESPN and you have 10 dollars left for 3 roster spots ESPN doesn’t allow you to spend all 10 on one player and fill the remaining two spots off the waiver wire.  You can only spend 8 since ESPN requires you to spend a minimum of a dollar to fill the remaining roster spots.  Same goes for the NBA and free agency.  If you only have 4 players on roster (and are below the cap) like the Lakers the league requires you to set aside the rookie minimum salary for the remaining 8 roster spots since the league requires a minimum of 12 players on roster.  That minimum rookie charge for the 2014/2015 season is $507,336.  Since the Lakers have 8 open roster spots that means they have to shave another $4,058,688 off their available salary cap space.  That brings the Lakers total cap space to $21,612,026.  Not as much as we all initially thought they would have is it?

If the Lakers are to have any shot at bringing in a marquee free agent like Anthony or James they are going need to clear more cap space because unless Mitch Kupcheck can perform inception on James or Anthony they aren’t going settle for a salary of 10 million per year and the opportunity to play Bob Sacre and a one-legged Bryant who still believes he can score 30 every night.

What the Lakers would love is for Nash to retire, but there hasn’t been any indication of that happening.  It certainly could happen, but if Nash doesn’t decide to do the Lakers a solid the Lakers only avenue to free up considerably more cap space is by dumping Nash’s 10 million on a team with the cap space to not have to send a player back and isn’t trying to win next season.  The other option would be to get a player back for Nash that can stay on a basketball court next year.

The rub for the Lakers though is their only asset to entice someone to take Nash off their hands is the 7th overall pick.  They can’t deal their 2015 pick to anyone since it’s owed to the Suns.  The pick is only top 5 protected in 2015 and has protections all the way through 2018 meaning the next available first round pick the Lakers could trade is in 2019.

This is where the Sixers come in, because they have ample cap space to rent out and are realistic about where the team will be next year.  The Sixers have the 3rd most cap room (around 30 million) this off season, however the two teams ahead of them (Phoenix and Utah) both have restricted free agents (Bledsoe and Hayward) to worry about this off season.  Other teams with cap space to absorb Nash’s contract without having to send anything back (if I’m understanding the CBA correctly) include the Magic, Pistons, Bucks and Hornets.  The Hornets and Suns though look like they want to contend this upcoming season and taking on Nash would make that more difficult.  The Jazz already have the 5th and 23rd picks along with a host of previously drafted lottery picks.  The same could be said for the Magic who already own the 4th and 12th picks along with two years worth of prospects from rebuilding.  That leaves the Pistons who are a mystery since it’s unclear what Stan Van Gundy’s vision for the team is, the Bucks who are also a mystery at this point, and the Sixers who are content still collecting assets right now.  Again only listen to me if you believe I can decipher the rules of the CBA.

What the Lakers should do is accept their fate the next two years use the 7th pick on Randle, Smart, Embiid, or whoever falls to them and start the rebuild process.  The Lakers front office though sounds as organized as Romper Room at this point, so the notion of them picking the short term solution and handing over the 7th pick so that someone will take Nash off their books isn’t out of the question.

As for the Kings their situation and motivation is a little easier to explain.  Within minutes of the lottery ending for whatever reason the Kings decided to let the league know they didn’t want the 8th pick.  As Bill Simmons and other NBA people have explained the Kings new owner Vivek Ranadive wants to win.  Like, RIGHT NOW.  Adding another rookie doesn’t really help that cause, although in the long run maybe adding some stability at point guard would be a wise choice since the team currently employees DeMarcus Cousins, who as my friend Tanner said, has almost assuredly committed a felon against a teammate in practice.  Besides wanting to win now the Kings are flirting with paying the luxury tax after they convinced Rudy Gay to opt into the last year of his contract that will pay him 19 million dollars.  There’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d ever right.

Right now with all of their guaranteed contracts and the 8th pick the Kings’ total salary is around 73 million dollars.  An incredible number for a team that won 28 games last year.  Even the New York Knicks who won 37 games last year are in a better position financially.  What isn’t factored into the Kings total salary is the impending Isaiah Thomas extension.  Since the Kings are over the cap they can’t let Thomas walk and go attempt to sign Kyle Lowry.  And if they do bring back Thomas at a salary of 10 million a year the Kings will now find themselves paying the luxury tax when they’d be considered the 10th best team in the West at best.

The Kings could and I’m sure are trying to trade the 8th pick to acquire a veteran point guard.  Rondo has been discussed, but apparently the Celtics want more than the 8th pick for Rondo and have zero desire to take back any of the slop the Kings have on roster.

Once again the Sixers can come in and take on some of the bad contract buffet the Kings currently own in exchange for the 8th pick.  The Sixers could agree to take back some combination of Derrick Williams, Carl Landry, Jason Terry, Jason Thompson, and the 8th pick in exchange for Thad Young. If the Sixers are willing to be the Kings landfill and take back all four crap contracts the Kings could actually get under the cap and make a move in free agency.  Young would actually fit in well with the Kings since he doesn’t need to score or have the ball in his hands to be effective.  Presently the Kings don’t have anyone willing to do the dirty work that it takes to win.  Thad could be that guy for them.

Like the Lakers the Kings would probably be best served picking Smart, Gordon, Payton, or whoever and attempt to build a team instead of electing for the microwave option.  After seeing that the Kings are crowd-sourcing to aid their front office decisions I’d put them in the “Who the Fuck Knows” zone.  Should they sit tight and pick 8th, absolutely.  Can I see them not valuing the 8th pick properly and giving it away?  You bet.  I’m just happy I’m not a fan of either the Lakers or Kings because the thought of giving up a lottery pick in this deep draft for a quick fix is about as appetizing as a Coors Light Summer Brew.  At the very least I could see the Sixers switching spots with either team in exchange for cap relief or Thad Young.  In an eight player draft moving up 2 or 3 spots is huge for the Sixers.

3)  Expect the Sixers to look back, and ahead

Last year Hinkie added two members of the 2012 draft class in Tony Wroten and Royce White.  Both players weren’t highly thought of by the team that drafted them, and the Sixers accepted both (in two separate trades) in exchange for nothing.  During the draft and into the off season if a team wants to cut ties with their first round pick from 2011 or 2012 to free up space look for the Sixers to once again become the Ellis Island of cast off players.  It didn’t work out too badly last year either.  White was a disaster and never even saw a single regular season game as a Sixer, but Wroten looked like he could be your third guard moving forward.  Some players who might fit that mold this off season are Otto Porter, Ben McLemore, Tony Snell, Sergey Karasev, C.J. McCollum, Anthony Bennett, Thomas Robinson, Kentavius Caldwell-Pope, Harrison Barnes and Michael Kidd-Gilchrist.

The other move I’d expect the Sixers to make is acquire a 2015 first round pick.  Teams seem to have tunnel vision with this draft right now, which means they may much more willing to give up a first round pick next year.  The Sixers still owe a pick to Boston via Miami for the Arnett Moultrie clown show.  The pick is lottery protected next year, but it’d be nice if the Sixers got some insurance.  They also owe a pick to Orlando from that time they traded for a player to hang out on the bench for a season while he experimented with different hair styles and his bowling form.

4)  They won’t keep five 2nd Round picks

This is obvious.  I’m assuming they’ll use at least one, and could use some additional ones  on players to stash over in Europe.  There looks to be a fair number of Euro guys that you can stash this year.  The other option for the Sixers is to trade one of the second rounders away for a late first if a team is trying to clear the maximum amount of space on their roster.  Remember, all first round pick have a salary cap hold and count against the cap, second round picks do not until they have actually signed.


Remember, these are smart people in control of the Sixers.  They’re smarter than you, me, or Mike Misi-nevergonnashutup.