The Most Dramatic Recap


Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 4.01.36 PMI’m making my own dramatic return to recapping the The Bachelor/Bachelorette series.  I know an eager nation awaits my thoughts on all things Kaitlyn, Britt, and love related.   And you may think as a 30 something single male I’d be embarrassed to parade my enjoyment for the show across the internet, but that isn’t the case. The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Paradise franchise is the best of reality television.  It’s not dark like the any of the Real Housewives series and it is infinitely more entertaining than watching Adam Lavine strut around an L.A. studio for two hours pouring dumpsters full of praise onto amateur singing talent in-between witty banter with Blake Shelton.  Now to get into last weeks episode.

The Villain Reveals Himself

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I don’t know J.J.  But I KNOW J.J.  I’m from the East Coast.  I went to lacrosse camps and prep school.  J.J. may not be from the east coast and he may not have played lacrosse in college, but he fits that stereotype perfectly.  I imagine some of this is an act.  The villain is going get more airtime and most likely an invite to Telum for Bachelor in Paradise.  J.J. is playing the game, but to willingly take on that role you have to be a bit of a dick.  And after some thought I realized who J.J. is.  He’s a modern day Gaston from Beauty & the Beast.  Seriously think about it.  If a studio was remaking Beauty & the Beast set in 2015 NYC Gaston would be an investment banker at JP Morgan that played lax at UVA.  Can’t you just picture him singing the Gaston song in the Murray Hill’s Brother Jimmy’s while wearing peach Bonobos, a white Polo shirt and his needlepoint Deerfield belt?  Anyway THAT’S J.J.  He’s a hand-job.  He’s Gaston.

They Forgot The Funny

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All the bros bombed on the stand-up date.  And that’s fair given how hard stand-up is, but at the same time did anyone expect anything different from a group of guys that are the target audience for the Point Break remake?  So instead of making fun of them I encourage you to watch this video of Kid Rock performing at the Kennedy Center Honors.  It’s more entertaining than any part of the stand-up date.  The payoff is at the 2:17 when the camera cuts to a dancing Jack Nicholson.

Actual Boxing!

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Every single one of those fights on the show last week was more entertaining than the Mayweather/Pacquiao fight.  How depressing is that as a sports fan?  An investment banker, software salesman, restaurant manager, fashion designer, auto finance manager (whatever the fuck that is),  fitness trainer, and a couple of entrepreneurs were a better fight card than the “fight of the century.”  Jared and his patchy facial hair gave it his all before getting put to sleep by Ben Z’s right arm with the questionable tattoo.  Can Manny say that?  Nope!  My one gripe with the boxing date, the producers should have made all the Bachlorette bros fight in deep Vs and True Religion jeans. Screen Shot 2015-05-26 at 4.26.22 PM

These guys weren’t even fighting over a rose guarantee or extra one-on-one time with Kaitlyn.  They were fighting for pride and that mediocre belt in the photo above.  Although to be honest I would probably take HGH if it guaranteed me taking home that belt.  I NEED that hanging in my room.  I’ve already got an eBay alert on for it.

Kupah’s Meltdown

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Before Kupah descended into Crazyville, he brought up a point that is worth noting about the show saying that he didn’t want to be on the show if he was just fulfilling the color quota.  And considering the shows history it fair for him to question that.  The Bachelor franchise is cotillion class white.  About three episodes into each season the most color you are going get on the show is coming from a contestant’s ghastly tattoo decision.  So Kupah was certainly right to ask why he was still on the show if he didn’t think there was any connection between him and Kaitlyn.

The trouble for Kupah though, other than wearing suspenders as a butt accessory and not to keep his pants up, is everything he said after questioning the racial politics of the show. After Kaitlyn asked Kupah to leave the house, his opening salvo involved cursing at Kaitlyn.  When that didn’t work, he followed it up by saying he didn’t want to go home and then as a last ditch effort tried to reconnect with Kaitlyn over movie quotes and sweatpants.  Kaitlyn still gave Kupah the Heisman pose, but Kupah didn’t leave before aggressively walking toward the camera during his exit interview.

I don’t know where this would rank in reality television meltdowns over love, but I do know it isn’t number one.  That distinction still goes to David from Real World Seattle.  For those that forget (weird), David, the military school beefcake with a thick Boston accent, struck up an illicit relationship with one of the talent coordinators at MTV.  Kirah, the MTV employee, lost her job and then flew out to see David while the show was filming in Seattle.  Things didn’t work out between the two of them and David pleaded his case to Kirah, while the MTV cameras caught every embarrassing word that came catapulting out of David’s mouth.  It’s must watch television.

Going Home Predictions:

Daniel (Bizarro Ed Norton) & Ryan B (There is nothing distinguishable about him)

Winner Prediction:

Joe (The guy with the big hair)

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