Welcome back to another installment of The Most Dramatic Power Rankings. Somehow there are still 12 guys left vying for Kaitlyn’s heart. This week we saw more bad performances, a particularly poor attitude from one of the guys, and Jared’s terrible stubble has made a not so celebrated comeback. Lets get into it…..
30. The New York Mets & Citi Field
The Mets suck. Citi Field sucks. The Phillies will be back. It may not be until MLB has to institute rules banning A.I. robots from participating in the league, but the Phillies will be back someday. Can someone PLEASE fire Ruben Amaro? Can I fire him? Why isn’t this trending on Twitter daily?
Holy shit! What an asshole. It’s not often you see a bro in the house become less likable than the member of the house who is actively trying to be the villain (J.J.). But Ian managed to pull that off with 2013/2014 Lebron-ish efficiency. His Bachelorette PER (Prick Efficiency Rating) is through the mother.fucking. roof.
I have to give Ian a little credit for being able to read between the rose petals, but there are better ways to go out than giving a stump speech to be the 2015 Bachelor only to follow it up by attempting to utterly humiliate Kaitlyn on national television with some rehearsed one-liners. What Ian did reminded me of Mouse’s death in the first Matrix. Holy Neo that’s a dated and nerdy reference, but watch the clip below and you’ll see what I’m talking about.
Here’ a smattering of Ian’s comments through the last third of the show when he decided what his vision of going out “on top” would look like.
“She’s not half as hot as my ex-girlfriend.”
Booboo, Kaitlyn is pretty attractive and if you have to say that than it probably isn’t true.
“Princeton grad, former model, defied death and been around the world a couple of times.”
Is he required by law to say “former model” when he is balding? Also defying death and going to Princeton sound a lot cooler when they’re not brought up by the person who accomplished those things.
“I have a lot of sex in my own life.”
Again much less likely if you feel the need to say this out-loud.
“Who I am is a gift that you unwrap for life.”
A) Who talks about themselves like that?
B) You know what happens when you’re done unwrapping Ian? He flips you the bird, calls you fat and stiffs you with the bill.
“It’s really difficult for me hanging around a group of guys that just making fart jokes, making poop jokes, making sex jokes.”
This is how I know Ian would be no friend of mine. I’m in my 30s and still love poop, fart, and sex jokes. My friends still enjoy them as well. Sorry I’m not sorry for not wanting to read Chaucer and discuss the election in the New Jersey 4th all the time. Ian might be the friend that just stresses the rest of the group out for no particular reason.
My theory on Ian, I don’t think he was super upset about receiving so little attention from Kaitlyn. I think he was more upset that he didn’t win the Aladdin competition and then blew the mariachi sing-off. So instead of going through another week of potential shaming himself during a performance Ian decided he was taking his ball and going home.
28. The Rose Ceremony
Woah. Wow. Didn’t see that one coming. Corey, Jonathan, AND Ryan B all went home? I’ve spent more time contemplating the notes of a bottle of Kendal Jackson Chardonnay than trying to decide who was going to get the axe this week. THAT’S RIGHT BABY WE GOT WINE JOKES THIS WEEK! I’m not all fart and poop jokes Ian.
27. Beer In A Wine Glass
Tanner….. We’ll give you a moment to say your goodbyes to the group.
26. The “Nobody in the house likes/trusts…..” Move
After opting for a haircut over making out (I’ll get to that in a moment) Josh pulled the Bachelor/Bachelorette suicide move. You NEVER EVER EVER take the girl/guy aside and say the words “Nobody in the house trusts X. I’m just looking out for you.” This never works. The move has a 100% fail rate. Josh may as well have taken a heater in the middle of the group date and wiped himself with his vest (Sorry for the poop joke Ian).
Ashley I. attempted this last season with Kelsey and Chris Soules left her in the desert with the coyotes and Kelsey. I’m not sure which is the more dangerous creature in that scenario. The best part of Josh’s attempt was he realized half way through it was a terrible idea and even said, “Ohhh this is bad.” That slayed me.
25. The Dates & Production Budget
Dear ABC, is it possible to increase the budget of the show to a level that exceeds a high school production of Damn Yankees? And who is planning these group dates? Tony the healer was a whack job, but I agree with the man. Why can’t everyone just go to the zoo for a day? I don’t need anymore performances from this group. No mas.
24. The Haircut
I’ve had my hair cut by friends before, and I always looked at it as if they were doing me a favor. Never did I think of it as a way to get a girl to like me. There is really nothing sexual about a haircut. The pre-cut shampooing at one of those mens salons? Sure. That back room with the sink may as well be a lap dance room, but the haircut itself? That is a no.
Here’s my second theory of the week. Josh didn’t come up with this hair brained (see what I did there? Another non poop joke Ian!) idea on his own. One of the producers put him up to it. Why, because that same producer has serious money riding on a different guy and wanted another contestant for Kaitlyn’s love eliminated. If that seems far fetched to you, try to convince me that these guys don’t sit around and gamble on who is going to win while they are filming.
23. My social life
Still stuck in the dregs at the moment. There is a bachelor party and a couple weddings in the future, so there is some potential upside. Buy the stock now.
22. San Antonio
I’ve never been to San Antonio so maybe this isn’t fair, but it isn’t a city I’m dying to visit. If traveling to that part of the country why not just go to Austin? San Antonio is home of the Spurs, the Alamo, and a lazy river they attempted to class up by calling it a River Walk. What is the slogan for San Antonio? “Come to San Antonio! Beat the hell out of El Paso.”
21-16. The JV-Necks (Chris, Josh, Tanner, Justin, Joe, J.J.)
I’m moving J.J. into this group. He’s done some sort of reverse heel-turn and gone from being an agitator to just blending into the background. It’s kind of genius. He isn’t going win, but J.J. will outlast all the other JV-Neck squad members and get some potentially cool trips out of it.
15. The First Hug
Every time the group of bros meets Kaitlyn someone goes in for the first hug. This season it’s typically been Justin. I can’t decide if this is a power move or if it looks over eager and desperate. I need help with this. Are there any advanced analytics that shed some light on this? Please help.
14. Chris Harrison
Yep. Chris’ status on the show is in free fall. He is nowhere to be found. If I had basic photoshop skills and could put his face on a milk carton I would.
13. Using Lame as a noun
I’ve already discussed my feeling on Ian ad nauseam, but thumbs up to Ian for using lame as a noun when describing the guys in the house. Here is the quote, “If one of these lames is better than me, pick one of the lames.”
I’m stealing this and using it without giving any credit to Ian.
12. The Return of the Discman
I can’t believe they still use Discman in San Antonio. I only thought hipsters used them at this point. Has the iPod not made its way to south Texas yet?
11. Mariachi Pants
Mariachi pants or Michael Jackson’s pants from the Bad Tour. You be the judge.
10. Shawn B.
This is more of a prediction pick. He did a decent job dancing the line on the Nick subject with Kaitlyn, but he also called her dumb. Not a good idea if you are trying to win a girl’s heart. Shawn needs to stop dwelling on the Nick addition. He needs to find some tunnel vision and confidence.
9. Making Out In A Truck Bed
This shot is straight out of a Michael Bay movie. Only thing missing is the American flag. Good. Work. ABC.
I couldn’t find a compilation of Michael Bay movie make out scenes, but here is a video of some guy explaining “Bayhem.” Has this phrase been around for a while? We need more Bayhem in reality tv. Fuck it. I want more Bayhem in all aspects of life.
This will have to do…
8. The Canoe/Fireworks Date
Big fan of this. Waaaay over the top, but still a fan. Making out in a canoe is difficult work. Again, bravo ABC.
Only guy this week to get a horizontal make out. 20 points Scruffindor.
6. Ben Z
Ben Z. took a back seat this week in terms of advancing his narrative. However, he expertly threw Josh under the bus when Josh was looking for anyone else to confirm that they were wary of Nick and his intentions.
5. Ben H
Has he already started shooting his Bachelor promos? Or is Ian suing ABC to be the next Bachelor and slowing things down?
So I have an issue with the Nick addition. He’s already gone pro. Nick has a leg up on everyone else because he’s already played the game. At one point he even talks about the stately needed for the group dates. For future seasons the Bachelor/Bachelorette may need to add an Olympic type rule that only allows amateurs to participate.
Kaitlyn got some of her swagger back this week. She had a home field advantage on the date with Ben H. since it took place on a dance floor, which was needed. And I’m hoping this face sums up how she deals with that balding undercarriage Ian.
Love is taking a small step back this week because….
1. The Teaser Trailer For Next Week
This could all amount to nothing more than some ABC editing chicanery, but they did tease Kaitlyn and someone doing the ultimate next week. This is the only thing on television right now that could trump my love of Ballers on HBO.
So far I’m not hooked on Ray Velcero, an impotent Riggins (Did anyone else notice that Viagra pill was the size of a coaster?) or Rachel McAdams’ haunted past. Right now it’s just a two man race for the best show on television and mid-season grown up action on the Bachelorette could put it over the top.